No more IVF

A Natural BFP for us!!!!!!














Here is the story...

On Monday Oct 27, I had talked to the RE's nurse about our upcoming IVF. (We decided to go ahead and do the IVF in Dec anyway). We talked about how many days I would need to take off, when the egg retrieval and transfer might be, and when I would need to go in for appointments. I told her that I was expecting my period any day now and she told me that as soon as I started to give her a call to start the birth control. Well, after getting the tentative schedule I realized that I would be having my pregnancy test right after Christmas. I have always tested early with a home pregnancy test and ended up with heart ache. So, I decided that for this IVF I was NOT going to test early and wait until my blood test. I knew I had one digital hpt left from our failed cycle in August. I didn't want it at home taunting me, so I was going to get rid of it. So, Tuesday morning I found it and was just going to throw it away. Being the nerd I am, I could just throw it away without using it. I figured my period was due any day, so I'd go ahead and use it. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw the word "Pregnant"! I couldn't believe my eyes!!! Did it really say pregnant? Was I imagining it? I woke up Benjamin (he didn't even know I was testing) and nearly scared him half to death. I told him I was pregnant, and his first response, "No you're not." I responded, "Yes I am, look!" and showed him the test. He could only get out, "Woa!" I called the RE and they had me go in for a beta. My result was positive, but the level was really low: 9.83. So, I must have been about only 10DPO or so, but I can't be for sure since I wasn't keeping track. I go in for another beta on Friday and am hoping my levels rise. I have continues taking HPTs and all have been + still, so I am hoping for the best. I am going to enjoy this miracle for as long as I can and am trying really hard not to worry.

YEA!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IVF back on hold

I know we keep going back and forth, but I think we are going to hold off on our IVF until May. The issues of my levels still exist, but we will just hope and pray that my levels stay ok for the next 7 months. It just seemed like we were being rushed into this IVF, and we really aren't ready. I was sick this past week and had to take 3 days of work off. That is huge when I only have 11 days off. Between all the half days I need to take for monitoring appointments and how many days I may need to take for the retrieval and transfer (depending on what day of the week it all happens) then I will be out of days. Hopefully, it will work and I will get pg, but then I will have no days left and if there is a day where I am sick or the baby is sick, then it will cost us about $300 and we need every single penny we make in order to do IVF at all and pay the payments. Another issue that makes us wait is my disability insurance was canceled. Because I was off work for the month of September, then it canceled my policy. I can get another policy that starts in Jan, but if I get pg before then, then pregnancy is a preexisting condition and not covered. My disability insurance saved us when I went into preterm labor with William and ended up being on bedrest. I left work about 2 months earlier than I had planned. With IVF, multiples are a real possiblity, and if I were to get pg with twins, then the chances of me having to go on bedrest would be high. I just can't take that chance. I am relieved and bummed at the same time. One one hand, I am glad to have some more time, to get moved into the house and settled, have the holidays without me being hopped up on hormones, not have to worry about how many days off or having to take off work for appointments and ER and ET, and maybe even try to lose a few pounds I have gained before we cycle again. However, waiting is a big gamble that my levels are still ok. Also, I'm not a patient person and waiting until May seems like FOREVER!!!!! I hope this was a good choice and really, I may change my mind again. However, it has to be decided by the time I start my next AF which is any day now. This is such a hard decision!

It's been a while

It has been a while since I have posted on this blog. Since my BFN from our FET we've just been in a holding pattern. Well, my RE wanted me to repeat my cycle day 3 hormone levels, so I had them tested about 2 weeks ago. When the RE called with my results I missed the phone call! Shoot! He called on my cell phone on a Friday, and when I checked my messages after school the clinic was already closed. So, I had to wait the entire weekend not knowing my results. It was really hard to wait. If my levels were off, then we knew our IVF was closed and our only option would be to adopt. Well, finally on Monday I got the call. GREAT NEWS! My levels are good, so we can go ahead and do another try of IVF. I guess, not another try, our last try. After this try we are done - no more money and I don't want to go through another IVF after this next one. Anyway, I asked the doctor when I needed to contact them if we wanted to do our cycle in the summer. The RE didn't really think we should wait. At my age (34, 35 in Jan) a woman's hormone levels can drop fast and my levels are only good for 6 months. He also said that if we wait, my levels might still be fine. It is hard to tell. So DH and I talked about it a lot, and have decided to GO FOR IT!!!! So, once I get my next period I will start my cycle! I will probably be on birth control for my next cycle and then I'll really get into the stimulation phase. Benjamin and I are going to Las Vegas the week of Thanksgiving, but we should still be ok. I'll probably need to take the Lupron with us on our trip, but I won't start the Follistim until after we get back. The bad part about starting this IVF cycle so soon is because of work. Now that I am back to working full-time it means a lot of days off. Every appointment means a half day off because my RE is an hour and a half away (one way). I talked to my principal and told him I'd need a lot of days off and probably a whole week when it comes to the retrieval and the transfer. He said to do what I need to do. I LOVE my new principal. He is the greatest. So, I guess we are really doing this. It just HAS to work this time!

Had my follow up appointment yesterday

It actually wasn't too bad. I didn't even cry which I thought for sure I would. I only teared up when the doctor asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm ok, but disappointed" and that is when I teared up. We talked about why it didn't work, and he said it was probably due to embryo quality. When the embryos were frozen, they were 6 day blasts when most embryos only take 5 days to get to blast. So, they were a little behind to begin with, plus when they thawed neither were beginning to expand. When we did our first transfer, of the 2 we transferred, 1 was a regular blast and 1 was an expanding blast. We got pg with one, so I guess in order for me to get pg we must need to transfer an expanding blast. We asked about maybe doing IUI instead, and the doctor said we could, but we would probably be wasting time and money. He thinks that the small amount of endo I have is somehow interfering with the sperm meeting the egg and he thinks it really wouldn't make a difference with the IUI. He thinks that the eggs and sperm need to be put together - like in IVF. Basically, if we want to have another child, then we need to do a fresh IVF. The good news is since this will be our second IVF cycle, we get a 25% discount. That is huge when we are talking thousands of dollars. It would be around $12,000, but again with no guarantee. I have to get a blood test to check my cycle day 3 hormone levels before we proceed. We did them back in 05' and everything was normal, but since it was so long ago he wants to repeat it. If the levels come back abnormal, then no IVF and all and we are finished. The doctor said it would be hard to achieve a pregnancy with abnormal numbers. If things are ok, we are fine to proceed. If we decide to do another IVF, it will probably be next year. We are planning on going to Las Vegas in November, and if we start a cycle with my next AF, it wouldn't be complete but the time we leave, and I don't think the doctor will start a cycle in December. It is a tough decision. It is so expensive, it is so hard on my body and emotions, I have to have surgery, and in the end it might not even work. Then we are $12,000 more in debt with nothing but heartache to show for it. This last BFN has really done a job on me. I have been so depressed. I knew it would be hard if we got a negative, but I had no clue it would affect me this much. It is almost like I am going through some sort of mourning process. I'm not sure I could get over another BFN if we do a fresh. I guess we have some time to decide, but I've been hashing though all of this in my mind, non-stop since our BFN. It's like I can't get over it.

Ok, now what?

So, FET was negative, so now what do we do? Here is a little background: In order for me to be a Stay at Home Mom, we needed to sell our house. So, we did sell and are currently living with my parents. I was hoping to do a little substitute teaching in order to bring in a few dollars, but also have some flexibility to work only when I wanted to or needed to. Well, the school district I work for told me I am not allowed to sub while on parental leave. Crap! Now, what do I do about the job? I had a phone interview Friday for a part-time teller position, but after hearing how a teller's job not only is transactions but sales, I'm not sure I want to do that. (I hate selling things, plus I suck at it!). If we want to get a house, I have to bring in something - like $500-$1000 a month. So, here we are, living at my parents, have just wasted $3000 on nothing, and now I have NO idea what to do. Even though I am really enjoying being a stay at home mom, I am really missing our house and am thinking it was the wrong thing to do. What to do?

#1. Start looking for cheap houses we can afford on DH's salary alone (crummy little house)?
#2. Stay with my parents for a year, and I go back to work next year and we build a house like our last house (which was big, lots of room, and beautiful)?

And with both options, where does a second child fit in the mix. On TTC $ terms, if we do another fresh IVF it would be about $20,000, but there is no guarantee it would work. We could try a shared risk IVF (long story short - it is like $35,000 but covers 3 cycles and if you don't get pg you get 70% of your money back). We could try adoption, but we have no home for a home study, and it is still about $20,000, plus who knows how long it would take and later in life issues with adoption. If we do IVF or adopt, then we will need a loan, and that is scary when we have 2 car loans, my student loans, and possibly want to qualify for a mortgage in the near future. Then, if we go with option #2 with IVF and it works, then I can't be a SAHM and we'd need daycare for 2 kids.

Ugh, my mind is spinning. Why can't life be easy?

Beta today

Confirmed: Negative. The number was less than 1, so neither embryo implanted at all. We will have an appointment next week to discuss what our next step is, which I don't even know what I want to do. I'm sad, but I guess I've kinda been dealing with the BFN for the last couple days. At least I can stop all my meds and no more shots so my butt can heal.

8dp6dt

Another BFN

Guess I should get it through my head. I'm a failure! I just killed off 2 perfectly good children.

7dp6dt

BFN


SHIT!

5dp6dt

At least, I think that is where I am today. I caved and POAS this afternoon and got a BFN. It was not with FMU, and I don't know if it makes a difference in the count that we used 6 day blasts vs. 5 day blasts, but it royally sucks ass!! All I can say is I am very depressed. I tested yesterday and got a BFN too. I don't know whether I will test tomorrow morning or not. Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. I don't know what to think anymore.

I'm so impatient!!!

Ugh!! This waiting is soooo hard! It has only been 3 days since my transfer, and I'm already DREAMING about doing a home pregnancy test! Yep, last night I dreamt that I did a HPT and it come out positive So, that was a good dream, but already dreaming about it??? I'm not even planning on doing a HPT until next week. This wait is going to be even harder than I thought!

Transfer done, 2 blasts now in my uterus!

My transfer yesterday went really well. The fantastic news is that both of the blasts made the thaw! Yipee! I was so nervous about having them thaw. Our transfer was scheduled for noon, so we had to be at the surgery center at 11:00am. We left home at 10:00am since it takes an hour to get there (my RE and the surgery center are not in my town). I called the office before we left just to see how the embryos were doing, and we got the call back right as we were leaving town. They told us both the embryos were alive and well! WooHoo! I started to relax just a bit, which made the car ride a little easier. We got to the surgery center right at 11:00am, got checked in, and waited in the waiting room until about 11:45. They took me back, had me undress from the bottom down, and after I was all hospital gowned up, they took me to the little room where Benjamin was waiting for me. The nurses took my blood pressure (which was fine), asked me lots of questions, and then we waited. We waited. We waited, and waited, and waited! Now, mind you we got to the surgery center at 11:00am, so neither Benjamin nor I had eaten lunch yet, and we were getting hungry! Finally, at 1:00pm they took me back for the transfer ~ both of us still hungry. How silly to be thinking of food at a time like that! Anyway, they moved me to the operating table, got me in the stirrups, and got ready to go. It wasn't too bad because they had some very nice classical music playing in the background that was very soothing. Benjamin was sitting next to me, holding my hand, and then the RE came and and said he was ready to get started! Yikes! It was about to happen. They got the speculum in (yeow!) and wiped the cervix with some antiseptic or something. And then (here is the really embarrassing part) the RE had to give me a trim down there! Oh, my! Guess I didn't have things as "neat" as I thought. Oh, well. Then the RE was ready to get the catheter in, which was not easy. I guess my cervix is angled toward the back, so he had to practically look underneath to see the markings on the catheter to make sure it was at the correct depth. After a few more adjustments, he said, "We're all ready." The embryologist gave him the syringe with the embryos, and he put them in! Wow! At that moment I was pregnant ~ the moment of conception! He sent the syringe back to the embryologist to make sure the embryos made it out of the syringe into my uterus. She gave a big, "All clear", and it was done. The RE took out the catheter, the speculum (aahhh, much better), and then told me to come back next Thursday for a pregnancy test! Oh wow!! A pg test!!!! They moved me back to the other bed, which was much more comfortable than the operating table, and wheeled me to recovery. They adjusted the bed so my head was below my feet and had me lay that way for an hour. It was 1:15pm when we got to recovery, and the nurse said we could go at 2:15pm. Benjamin and I were STARVING by this time, but we figured we would just run by a McDonald's on the way home. So, there we were, watching the clock creep by, Benjamin sitting on the chair next to me and me in the bed with my feet up in the air - oh so comfortable. I played my Nintendo DS a little (I always carry it in my purse, I guess I am a total geek!), but in my position, it wasn't really easy to play, so I put it away and just kinda laid there, did some praying to God that these little ones would stick, and closed my eyes. One of the nurses popped in and gave us both a pop and some graham crackers. Those tasted so good, and maybe would help tide us over until we left. By 2:00pm I was really ready to be done. Not only was my head feeling like it was going to explode because all my blood was going that way, but I also had to pee really badly! At 2:15pm, the nurse came in and moved my bed to the normal position. Whoa, that felt weird. All my blood went back to my feet, and I felt a little dizzy, but it didn't last long. The nurses helped me to my feet, and I got to go to the bathroom! Ahhh, relief! I got dressed, the nurses gave us a pop for the ride home, and we were off to Micky D's! Did I mention we were starving by then? The drive home was nice. I reclined my seat for the ride home, and we got home by 3:30pm. I just laid on the couch, and let my Mom pamper me, since Benjamin had to go over to the house and get everything out for the closing Friday. My Mom took care of William and even made me a special treat. You gotta love Mom!! Today, my dad has baby duty, and I am still on the couch. I was on bedrest yesterday and am supposed to be "taking it easy" for the next 2 days. Now, we just wait. This is going to be a long 9 days.

On a personal note, as for teaching, I was asked to substitute for my old school for the first couple weeks because a teacher's father is having surgery and she is going to be out of town. I called HR to get on the sub list, and the lady I talked to said I can't be on the sub list if I am on "parental leave". Oh great, that is not what the lady in charge of substitutes told me! I called her last week and she said I could sub, and I even had an appointment on the 27th to get on the list. Ah, you gotta love the school district! One person says yes, the other no. So, who knows if I will be able to sub or not. I'm waiting to hear from HR with an answer. I could resign and sub, but then if I go back next year or the next, I won't be guaranteed a position. If they do let me sub, I'll start Friday to get things ready as the kids start back Monday. So, now it is just wait to hear the news. I don't really care either way.

Oh my, tomorrow is the day!

I can't believe that it is tomorrow! Tomorrow I will be pregnant! I am running through a wide range of emotion today. I am excited, nervous, scared, and happy. Since our IVF worked last time, I've had pretty high hopes for this FET to work, but the logical person inside knows that there is a good possiblity it won't work. We only have a 30% chance it will work, and we had a 50% chance from our first IVF. Tomorrow, I plan to just lay in bed and watch TV once we get home from the surgery center. Last time I was given some medication to relax me, but this time I'm not sure I want it. Last time I was REALLY nervous, but this time I kinda know what to expect, plus the mock transfer we did went really easy. I didn't really like how I felt on the medication when I got home last time, so I think I will: 1. see what the dr says about it 2. see how nervous I actually feel tomorrow, and 3. make the decision on the medication based on 1 and 2. It is going to be a long wait until my pg test. I will probably cave and do a home pregnancy test. I probably will the day before or of the pg test. I want to go in knowing what to expect. I think it is harder to wait for a call from the dr. If it turns out to be negative, then I will have some time to be prepared. I'm already nervous just thinking about it!

5 pills to take for the next 4 days!

I now have 5 pills (instead of the 2) that I have to take for the next 4 days. I will be taking the prenatal vitamin and aspirin that I have been taking for a while now, but now I get to add Medrol, which is a steroid that is supposed to help with implantation, and doxycycline (sp?), which is an antibiotic that I have to take since they will actually be going "inside" my body. All of those pills plus the 4 estrogen patches I do every other day and the daily PIO shot! Whew, that is a lot to do!

Yeow, PIO shots are painful!

Well, we started our PIO shots and they hurt. The first one was very painful, but the one last night wasn't as bad. I can't believe how close the transfer is getting. I think I will be glad when it is finished. Right now my fear is if the two embryos we have will thaw. Our clinic has a very high thaw rate (90%), but I guess I am afraid that I will be part of the 10%.

As for the move, things are absolutely nuts! Benjamin and I worked all day at the house getting the last little odds and ends packed and moved. We are very close to being done. He has a few more loads to take to storage because it was raining all day and we couldn't take a load. But, the stuff he needs to take is stacked neatly in the garage. The house is almost empty. We have 1 cabinet and 2 drawers to empty and then it will be done. All I will need to do tomorrow is clean. I did a little cleaning today, but I have some more to do. It will be a big weight off my back to have it done. I am really sad about leaving though. It is funny. It was something that I wanted to do and still want to do, but it is like I don't want to leave. It will be worth it the first time William gets a little bug or something and I won't have to call off work to take him to the dr. I know it is worth it!

Time set for transfer!

Shannon, the embryologist, called me this morning with the information about our transfer. It is scheduled for 12:00 noon on August 19th. We will need to be there about 11am. She will thaw the embryos first thing in the morning, let them expand, and will let us know how they are doing before the transfer. After the transfer, we will stay at the surgery center for about an hour and then head home. Once I am home, I am on bedrest. The next 2 days I will need to "take it easy" and no lifting William until the weekend with "limited" lifting after that. I'm not supposed to hold him all day or pick him up a lot. That is going to be hard, but thank goodness I told my parents what is up so they can help up out. I also got my progesterone today, so we are all set for the first shot tonight. The first shot is always the hardest, but I'm sure all will be fine. So, for now I just stay the course. I am getting pretty excited. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but that is hard for me to do. I just hope this all works out and we get another little baby for our family.

Last shot of Lupron tonight!

Yea! Tonight's shot was it for that nasty stuff, but I do have to admit that once I started the estrogen it hasn't been as bad. Tomorrow night is my first PIO shot, and I am a little nervous about it. At least I don't have to do those. Benjamin gets to do those for me. I should get my new Olive Oil progesterone tomorrow. I am really hoping that those go well. Wish me luck!

Better news today

I had much better news at my lining check today. I went from a lining of 6mm to a lining of 10.4mm!! WooHoo! Everything is a go for our transfer on Aug 19th. One week away! I will stop my Lupron on Wednesday and start my progesterone shots Thursday. We did kinda hit a snag on the progesterone since we found out it is in Sesame Oil, and I am allergic to sesame. The good news is we found out before I started the shots - the bad news is the pharmacy won't take back medication so I will have to pay twice. Oh well, it really isn't that expensive and not that big of deal to me. The embryologist will be calling me sometime this week with the schedule of transfer. They wanted to wait until they knew my lining was better before they scheduled. I am really getting excited. I will be pregnant next Tuesday (until proven otherwise).

As for the move, we are officially at my parents' house, but our old house is still full of little things that need to be packed and moved. All the furniture is out thanks to my Ben, his best friend, and my brother. We don't have to be out until the 22nd, so we will try to do a little every night this week and be out - all the way out - by the weekend. Looks like it will be another crazy week!

Not the best news today

Today I had my uterus lining check. A full, thick lining should be about 11-13mm. My lining measured today at 6mm. The lining is what you shed (a woman's period) when you aren't pg. The Dr wasn't too happy with it, so now everything is changed. I now have to add an estrogen tablet vaginally and keep up with my estrogen patches for an extra 5 days. The Dr said that the added estrogen and taking the estrogen patches longer might thicken things up. He said that some pregnancies can happen with a 6mm, but this point for my first IVF I was at 9mm. Because things have been pushed back, we decided to tell my parents about the cycle. I was really disappointed that we had to tell them, but it does feel good to get the secret out. It was about killing me not to tell them. Our transfer is now tentatively scheduled for Aug 19. I have to be on bed-rest for the day of transfer and modified bed-rest for the following two days. And, I don't think I will be able to lift William for a few days either. Since, we will be living with my parents, I don't think I would have been able to keep it a secret anyway. Plus, it will be nice to have some help from them while I'm on bed rest and can't pick up the baby. I know this is only a little kink in the road, but now my confidence is a little shaken. I have another lining check on Tuesday, so I'll keep you posted on that. So for now, I will just keep praying that the extra estrogen and extra time will be what my body needs. Now I will focus on packing and moving. We are going to try to move our beds and belongings over the Mom and Dad's this weekend, then we will have a good 2 weeks to get everything else out of the house, into storage, before the closing on Aug 22nd. We have a lot of work, and here I sit on the computer. Maybe I should get to work, or at least give the baby a bath!

Thoughts for a Thursday

Today's thought: I wonder what tomorrow's RE appointment will bring. DH is going with me and he is bringing DS because we don't have daycare. I hope DS is a good boy. I wonder if my lining is good. It is so strange since for our fresh IVF I went to the RE like every other day; had blood draws and ultrasounds. This will only be my second appointment, and won't have another until my transfer next Fri!

Wordless Wednesday: Injections! Wipe, fill, stick

My Schedule

I figure I'd go ahead and share my schedule. Click the picture to make it bigger so it can be read.
















P.S.
I got my Lupron today. After my shot last night, I probably had enough for today to, but I don't have to worry now.

Uh oh! Almost out of Lupron!

I was noticing that I was getting low on Lupron, but never did the nurse or Dr tell me I would need to refill the prescription. I think I have enough for maybe 1 more shot! YIKES! So, I looked at the box and read that I have 1 refill. Um, oops! Guess I should have noticed that sooner. So, as soon as the pharmacy opened today I called them and asked for the refill. It is a pharmacy in California that specializes in fertility meds. Luckily they can overnight it, so I should have it for tomorrow. I just hope I have enough for tonight. I only have 6 more Lupron shots to go; my last shot is Saturday night. Yea! Then, I switch my Lupron to PIO. Oh, joy!

Now - 3 patches

Well, I have now progressed up to 3 patches of estrogen instead of just 1. Today was easy to find places for the 3, but when I take these off and have to put 3 more on Tuesday, I am wondering where I am going to put them. When I take them off, they leave a red mark and some left over adhesive, so I don't want to put new ones directly over where I put the old ones. I guess I might need to find some alternative places for them to go.

On the home front - WE SOLD OUR HOUSE! WOOHOO!!!!!! I can't believe it. I never thought we would be able to sell in this horrible housing market. We signed the papers today on the offer and now just have to kinda go through the other stuff before closing. I have to admit that this is not the best timing to have to pack and move right in the middle of our FET. They want to close on Aug 22nd, but we are going to try to be all moved out before my transfer on the 15th. We are going to move in with my parents for a while. I am thinking that if I get pregnant with twins I could really use the help of my parents. It is cool, because things are just kinda falling into place. We got the offer 2 days before my job interview (I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week and had another interview tomorrow). We are still going to try to keep this FET a secret from my parents. We thought about telling them, but we don't want all the effort we've put into not telling them go to waste. So, once we move in it will be fun trying to do my PIO shots on the sneak, but we will just have to do it! It is going to be a crazy few weeks!

YEA!!! I get to be a STAY AT HOME MOM! YEA!!!

13 days until the big "T"

WOW, 13 days! It is hard to believe. Things are going well. My headaches have gone now that I have been on the estrogen patches - YEA! The Lupron shots are going well. I keep taking the baby aspirin and PNV. So, overall, I'm good! I have a lining check Friday. If my lining looks good then I start my dreaded PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shots next Sunday. Those are the BAD ones. Those are the ones that have to go into the butt muscle unlike the Lupron ones that are just subcutaneous in the stomach that I can do myself. The PIO shots Benjamin has to do for me. They are LONG needles and hurt. What really is a bummer is once I get pg I have to continue the shots for another 12-14 weeks, every night. It is worth it in the end, but I admit it is no fun at all. Thank goodness for Benjamin. He is so good at giving them to me. He did so well with the first IVF that I have full confidence in him. I think it is good to have him do them so he can have a part in this cycle too. I mean, it really has been all me. My dr's appointments, my medication, my shots, my transfer; all having to do with me. With this FET he doesn't even need to do anything - the embryos are already fertilized! This will get him more involved. So, I guess we just keep moving on with the cycle. More Lupron shots, estrogen patches, and aspirin.

Patches = ouch!

I was pretty excited to start with my estrogen patches. I put on my first patch on Monday. The nurse said that it would stick even in the water, so showering and swimming was oked. I wasn't quite convinced that the patches would stay put. I found out that I was wrong. They do stick! In fact, they stick too good!! Yesterday I had to take off the one I put on Monday and replace it. I damn near pulled off my skin!! I even tried getting the patch off in the shower making sure the warm water was running directly on it. Finally, with a little help with some rubbing alcohol, I got it off, but it left a nice red mark on my belly. I have to put a new patch on tomorrow. I hope I can get it off without taking my skin with it!

I'm a bad girl today!

I have always struggled with my weight. Right now, I'd say I probably am about 50 pounds over my ideal weight and according to the Wii Fit I am Obese. YUCK!! Well, this FET cycle is not helping! I am a stress eater and have been. I gained weight when we were TTC before so why would I think it would be any different now? I really wish I would have some self control, but right now I crave sweets! It is terrible for me, yet when I went to the grocery store today I bought way too much junk food! I am a bad, bad person! I am not looking forward to going back to work, but the good thing about it is I won't be home to eat! Maybe once school starts I can lose the 5 pounds I have put on since the summer started.

Oh, I have a job interview tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I want a baby!!!!!

I want to have a baby!! I want this cycle to work sooooo bad that I can hardly stand it. It seems like for the last couple days all I can think about is this FET and it is getting harder and harder with the waiting. Patience is not one of my virtues and even though things are progressing, it just seems like it is creeping along. However, since I have to go back to work, the faster the time goes the less time I get to spend with William. It is a catch 22. Well, I guess this is a lesson for me on patience.

As for the progression of this cycle, things are going fine. I started with the estrogen patches and aspirin today and will keep doing my Lupron. I'm still getting terrible headaches, but like I have said before I am hoping this estrogen will help make those go away. The patch was interesting to put on - kinda itchy but the itchiness has gone away. So far it is still stuck - I was a little worried it wouldn't stick. The nurse said I can shower and swim with it, so I hope she is right because I am going to my parents to go swimming this evening. Only 19 more days until transfer. It is almost like waiting for Christmas when you are a child. It is exciting and taking forever at the same time!

On the down part of the roller coaster today

I was just kinda thinking of things today. I was thinking about having to sell the house. It is hard to leave this house and neighborhood, but I just can't see us being able to afford to stay here if I want to stay home or even if we have 2 kids in daycare. Daycare is very expensive, plus I don't want to be away from a little one. It gets a little easier to be away when they are older, just because they are more independent. I am going to have more trouble being away from William than he will. He loves to be around kids, and I think he will really enjoy being in daycare now. But, what I was thinking was that if this FET doesn't work, that I don't think we should sell the house. The reason we are selling the house is so I can stay home with the baby. But, if I am not able to stay home this year, next year William will only be getting closer to preschool. If we have 2 kids, then I will definitely stay home, but if this doesn't work, then I don't want to sell. Then, after all that thinking, it made me sad to think of this FET not working. Most of this time I have been staying pretty positive about this working. I mean, why wouldn't it work? It worked last time! But today, I am filled with doubt and I'm not sure why. I guess it is just part of the infertility roller coaster. Emotions go up and down, up and down, and I am on the down today. Ugh! Why does infertility hurt so much?

Good appointment yesterday

I had a pretty good appointment yesterday. The ultrasound showed a thin lining and no action in the ovaries - good news. After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse to go over my next set of meds. I keep taking Lupron until 8/9 so another 17 days (bummer). I start my estrogen patches on Monday. I do 1 patch every other day for 6 days, then go to 3 patches every other day for another 6 days, and then up to 4 patches every other day until beta test which is Aug 26th. I also start taking an aspirin on Monday and take those until beta. I have another ultrasound on 8/8 to check my lining. If that looks good, then I start the dreaded PIO (Progesterone in oil) shots on 8/10 and continue those until 12-14 weeks on pregnancy. (Major bummer - but worth it!) I also take 1 pill of Medrol and 2 pills of Doxycycline for 4 days starting 2 days before the transfer. Whew! That is complicated and a lot of stuff to take! It is a good thing the nurse gave me a spreadsheet with everything I need to do! It doesn't look as bad on the spreadsheet. I am getting pretty excited. I have to say that I am very optimistic about this cycle. In my head I am planning on being pregnant. I think I have a bit of over confidence since IVF#1 worked. There is still a possiblity that this won't work, but since this is our last try and it worked last time, I just KNOW this is going to work. (Knock on Wood).

Oh, and I asked the nurse about stress with this cycle. She said not to worry, that our bodies are meant to take a lot of stress, and unless I was so stressed I was having trouble breathing, not sleeping, shaking all the time kinda stress, that I would be fine. So, that was a relief!

How much stress can one person take?

When it rains it pours. As you probably know from the last few posts, I have been very stressed. My stresses range from dealing with wacky emotions from these meds to having the house not sell yet. Well, now we just found out that our cat has FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis) and we have to put him to sleep. I know all this stress is NOT good for this cycle. Am I wasting my time, energy, and money on a cycle that I am killing with stress? I am trying my hardest to take some time everyday to just relax, almost a mini-meditation, but that is sure hard with a toddler. I am so sad about losing our cat. We lost our last cat on our wedding day! OUR WEDDING DAY!! Can you believe it? It took a while before DH was ready to get a cat, and this cat, Zarbie, has been soooo great. I am not much of a cat person, but when DH and I got together I found out that DH was totally a cat person. He even showed his cats. His first cat was a good cat too, and one breed that I am not allergic to. Well, when Fuzzy died on our wedding day, I felt so bad for DH that months later I bought him Zarbie. Zarbie is such a great cat. He cuddles, her purrs, he doesn't jump on the counters, he doesn't scratch, and he is very patient with the baby. The baby absolutely adores the cat. In fact, William's first word and favorite word happens to be "cat". I'm so heart broken, and I know this isn't good for my cycle. When I have my appointment tomorrow, I'm going to talk to the dr about how all this stress is effecting my cycle. I don't want to cancel since we are already into it, plus it is a better time for us to cycle now because I am not working. I don't want all these stupid side effects from the "evil" drug to be for nothing.

Life sure isn't easy sometimes, is it?

Here is a picture of Zarbie.

Lupron is EVIL!

I know I have already posted about my Lupron headaches, but I guess I'm not done complaining about it. I have been so emotional lately - very depressed for the past couple days - that I am blaming it on the Lupron too. I looked up the side effects and emotional issues are a side effect. Great! I've also had bad stomach problems the last few days and again it is a side effect. I HATE that I have to be one this stuff for so long. I know I have at least another week and possibly another! UGH! I am looking forward to my appointment on Wednesday. I will get to find out the other half of my med schedule. I am looking forward to starting those patches so these damn Lupron side effects can go away! On another note, I also started spotting today, so I will consider tomorrow cycle day 1. When I did IVF the first time, my AF after the BCP and Lupron was very light, so I am hoping it is again this time around. I hate AF - well, like any woman likes it - but it is kinda cool to think that this should be my last period for the next 10+ months! WooHoo!

Well, as I look at the time, I see I need to be off to go give myself a shot of pure EVIL - Lupron!

Will someone please shut off my mind?

And all the things I have been thinking about lately? Ugh! It is so frustrating. I can't shut off my mind. I am constantly thinking about this cycle...

What if it doesn't work?
What if it does?
What if we get twins? (Ok - don't count your chickens!!)
Will my next shot hurt?
When will I get AF?
What will my ultrasound next week show?
How will I feel when I start taking my next meds?
Will my embryos make the thaw?
etc, etc, etc.

I wish I could just shut off my mind and think about something stupid like shopping or something.

Oh, my aching head!!

These Lupron headaches are terrible! I had them before when I was taking the Lupron last time, but I had forgotten about how bad they are! The last time I talked to the nurse, she told me I should just take Tylenol. Well, let me tell you that Tylenol does nothing to help these headaches! I finally called the nurse and asked if I could take something else like Advil. She asked the dr and he said that I can take Advil until I start my estrogen patches which I think will be around the 28th. I LOVE Advil! hehehe It really has been helping these headaches. The nurse also said that once I start the estrogen that the headaches should go away! YEA! I have finished taking the BCP and expect to get AF any day, and the 23rd I go back to the RE for an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok.

On another subject, it doesn't look like I will be able to be a Stay at Home Mom. Bummer! We still haven't had a bite on the house and my last paycheck is August. DH and I talked it over, and it just seems silly to go into financial ruin just to be a SAHM. I bet almost every working mom would want to SAH at least for a little while and that all moms that work HATE leaving their babies. So, I guess our plan now is to have me go back to work, keep the house on the market, and either quit my job once the house sells or just kinda keep working until the end of the year and stay home next year. I have put in an application for 2 positions so I guess we will wait and see if I get an interview next week. The positions don't close until the 26th so I know it will be after that. I am a little nervous about going to work and being newly pregnant (hopefully) because when I was pregnant with William I had terrible morning sickness. I hope when I get pregnant after this FET that I won't be so sick. I lucked out last time because I was sick during the summer not during school. Oh well, I will manage!

Wordless Wednesday: Lupron injections - yuck!

1 month to go!

WOW! Only one more month until transfer. 1 month to be exact!! I am getting excited.

BCP + PNV

Isn't it weird? I am taking the birth control pill along with my prenatal vitamin. I've been taking PNVs since 2004. I took them all the while we were TTC our first child, kept taking them after the baby was born just in case we were to get PG on our own, and now continue to take them through this FET cycle. I guess it is just a bit of irony.

Ugh! Gaining weight

That is the part of an IVF cycle that I hate - or any fertility cycle for me. I tend to gain weight. The bad part is I have already gained some weight since school got out for the summer, and now that I am home all the time it makes food a lot easier to snack on that when I am at work. I am already overweight and according to the Wii Fit, I am Obese! Ugh. And since starting the BCP and the Lupron I have gained 2 pounds in about 3 days. I'd love to blame it on the medications, but I don't think I can since I have been eating junk food. I really need to be careful of what I eat. Right now I weight 1 pound more that I did on my first appointment with my OB when I was pregnant with William. I have gained almost 10 pounds from where I was about 3 months ago. I am really feeling low about it. That's what I get for weighing this morning!

Almost let it slip today

We are selling our house so I can be a SAHM with our son next year (I'm not going back to my teaching position next school year). We can't afford our current home on one income, so we have to sell. Well, today we had a showing for our house, so I packed up the baby and went over my parents' house for a little while. We had a nice visit, and the baby LOVES seeing his grandma and grandpa. As we were talking, the topic of babies came up. I almost let it slip about our cycle. Thank goodness I caught myself. It is so hard for me to keep a secret. Some people out there are very closed, but I'm not that kind of person. There are very few things I don't tell people about, so I am finding it very hard to keep my big mouth shut!

Oh, and tonight's shot wasn't as bad. DH got back today from his trip and was there for me. I love him!!!!

P.S.
No offer on the house yet! Boo! We are having an open house Sunday. Maybe that will be our lucky day!

First injection = done!

That was a hard one. The first one! DH wasn't even there for moral support. He is out of town until tomorrow. I got out the medication, the alcohol wips, the syringe, and the red box you put the used needles. All of it, sitting on my kitchen counter, waiting to be broken in. I sat down at the counter, cracked open the Lupron, wiped the top with the alcohol, got the syringe, filled it with the medication, and wiped my skin where I was going to give the injections. Then, I sat there. And sat there, with the needle pointing toward my skin. I just couldn't do it. Then, I started to cry. I hadn't even poked myself yet! Why is it so hard to give myself a shot? It hardly hurts at all! I guess it is because this shot brought back lots on memories of previous shots from our first IVF. There is just so much that rides on an IVF cycle. Hopes, dreams, and the possibility of having those hopes and dreams crushed. Since this is all for baby number 2, I guess I feel selfish. I got my miracle. I got my wonderful little William. On the first try!!! There are so many women that do cycle after cycle of IVF to no avail - spending thousands upon thousands of dollars not getting anything to show for it other than debt!! Then there are those that spend the money on IVF, get pregnant, only to miscarry. The whole process is just so utterly and completely exhausting. Here I am, with the miracle of my son, temping fate again, even kinda temping God trying to get a 2nd miracle. How can I be so selfish? I just hope and pray that we will get our second little miracle. I guess I will try to hold my breath until August. Can I hold on that long?

What have I gotten myself into????

I got my meds delivered today. I feel exactly like I did for my first IVF when I got my meds - totally and utterly freaked out!!

$158 WooHoo!!!

We ordered all our meds for this cycle. The pharmacy called me to get the address where to send it. Then, the lady asked me if insurance would be paying for any of it. Ha! Ya right! Well, I told her to go ahead and see if they would cover anything, fully expecting that the insurance would cover nothing. Well, low and behold, the insurance did cover - a lot of it even!! Meds that would have cost us about $900 ended up only costing $158. SCORE!!! That is so wonderful! The reason that the insurance covered some of the meds is because some of what I will be taking is not considered a "fertility" drug. At last, some good news!!

What is up with my emotions?

My goodness! I am an emotional mess lately. I'd like to blame it on the BCP, but I don't know if I can blame it on everything I have been feeling. I have been on the verge of tears for days. My DH and I went to see Wall.E on Thursday, and I was getting teary eyed over that stupid movie! Yesterday should have been a very nice 4th of July with a swimming party at my folks. However, I have been having a hard time dealing with food lately (found out I have a ton on food allergies and it has been a challenge to me to find foods I can eat that don't make me sick) Because my emotions are crazy, I was again on the verge of tears because I couldn't eat hardly anything because it was all Mexican food (one of my favorites) but I am allergic to chilies which is in almost every mexican dish! Ugh! I feel a little bi-polar. I am happy one minute, can get pissy the next, and then cry. I am trying to take DH's advice and take one day at a time, but I still have been thinking ahead to the shots, transfer, 2ww, etc. I guess I am just so unsure about the outcome that it has me unsure about everything in my life.

On a side note - It was two years ago to the day that I got my BFP from our first IVF cycle. I can remember it vividly. It was one of the best days in my life!

I hate to lie!

I really do hate it. This time, we have decided not to tell anyone that we are cycling, which = LIE after LIE after LIE. For our first IVF, we pretty much told everyone. However, this time I wanted to keep it a secret. Why? Because I want to surprise everyone when I get a BFP - especially my Mom. With the first IVF process, it was hard, emotional, scary, etc and I really needed the support of my DH and my family (especially my Mom). This time, I know more what to expect, and I still have DH to go through it with me. When we get our BFP, I want my Mom and my family to be blown out of the water with the good news. My Mom and I are very close. I'd say we are pretty much best friends. I talk to her everyday and sometimes multiple times in a day. It is really hard for me to lie to her. The other day she called me on my cell and asked if DH and I could go over her house and help her with her swimming pool. Well, when she called I was 40 miles out of town coming home from my RE appointment, and DH was home with the baby. I told her all 3 of us were out shopping. LIE!!! I have an ultrasound appointment on the 23rd, and I'll have to lie again. I need her to babysit the baby because DH can't get off that day and I can't take the baby with me to the ultrasound. LIE again! The day of the transfer = ANOTHER LIE! This time I will see if my Mom and Dad will take the baby overnight so DH and I can have a "weekend getaway". Of course, I just need to be on bedrest after the transfer and don't want to have to deal with a toddler that probably wouldn't understand why Mommy has to stay in bed and ignore him. I tell you, I HATE lying! Plus, I suck at it! #1. I feel terribly guilty for doing it - even though my intentions are good. #2. Everyone can usually tell when I lie! I always wonder if they can see right through my lies. I can't tell you how many times I've almost broken down and told my Mom, but I want to make this special for her. She is a wonderful woman, always helps me no matter what, and has had a pretty crappy year at work. Her school she works at (she is a school counselor) was changed into a magnet school breaking up a very close staff. She was placed in a different school and some of her closest coworkers were placed in different schools. I can't believe the school district did such a crappy thing to all the teachers there. So, I really want her to start her school year at her new school with wonderful news. I hope she (and the rest of the family) will forgive me for all the lies!

My schedule (until 7/23)

Here is my schedule so far...

7/2 - 7/9 BCP only
7/10 - 7/16 BCP + 10 units Lupron (injection)
7/17 - 7/23 10 units Lupron (injection) only

7/23 Go back to the RE for a baseline ultrasound

Once I stop the BCP, I should get another period even though I will still be on the Lupron. The Lupron shot uses a tiny little needle. I give the injections in the abdomen; a little lower than the bellybutton. They hardly hurt. I can give the injections at any time during the day - just making sure to give it about the same time - so I will probably give it to myself after dinner - like around 8pm.

When I go in on the 23rd for my ultrasound, the nurse will give me the rest of the schedule. Sometime after the 23rd I will add baby aspirin, antibiotics, estrogen patches and PIO injections.

All of my meds are ordered, and nothing needs to be refrigerated. So, now I am just taking the bcp and waiting for next Thursday, when I start my Lupron injections.

Mock transfer and SonoHSG today

Well, it wasn't too bad. The last time I did it, it was very painful and pretty much the worst part of the whole IVF process. Anyway, this time it was a breeze! Here are the details...

I was the first appointment of the afternoon. I didn't even have to wait 2 minutes before the nurse took me back. She asked me what we were going to do (mock and SonoHSG) just to make sure I knew what was going on. She took me to the room and explained what they were going to do. She showed me all the stuff they were going to use and then asked if I had questions. She also had me take a antibiotic since they actually go into the body, just in case of an infection. So, she tells me to undress from the bottom down, and then she and the RE would come back. I get undressed, the the RE had me assume the position in the stirrups. He showed me again the catheter that they were going to insert through the cervix. It was about the width of a toothpick (but of course, not sharp in the least! hehehe). It was connected to a syringe filled with water. It had black little marks to show how far it went in. He said it was the same instrument they will use in the actual transfer. He put it in, no problem, no pain, and took the measurements. Then, he put another instrument in, similar to the first only not attached to a syringe, that was a little bit less flexible. With that one, he got another measurement. After that, he took out the less flexible one, put back the one with the syringe and that is what he used for the SonoHSG. He took out the speculum, and inserted the vaginal ultrasound wand. Then he squirted in the water and took pictures. He liked what he saw, but from my point of view I couldn't tell what he was looking at at all!! It looked like a bunch of static, but obviously he knew what he was looking at. He took everything out, and said all was well. The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes at most. I kinda gushed out water when I stood up, but that was to be expected. After I got dressed and everything, I met with the embryologist to talk about my embyos, schedule, and meds. I only have the first half of my schedule, but it looks like we are going to be having the actual transfer on August 15th. Since the baby is getting a little fussy while I type on the computer, I will try to add another post later with a rundown of my time line in detail. It feels good to cross off those procedures!

Yasmin is so much better

Oh my goodness! The Yasmin is sooooo much better. I decided to start taking my BCP in the morning, so I took my first Yasmin pill today at breakfast, and I have been feeling fine! Thank goodness.

Nothing much going on. I have 3 more days until my procedures. I am pretty nervous about them; 1. They hurt last time. and 2. That they might find something wrong. I guess it is better to know. The one thing I am looking forward to my appointment is to find out my schedule. Since I am a teacher, I am a planner. In fact, I have to be as a teacher. I have to plan each week, each month, and even the year. My principal is a stickler about plans. So, this not knowing my schedule has been bothering me. I will find out how long I take the Yasmin, when I start the Lupron injections and of course how much, find out if I get another period before the transfer, when I start the estrogen patches, when so do the PIO injections, and the all important transfer. The transfer day is hard to pinpoint until they check my lining and think it is thick enough. I'd like to at least have a ballpark idea when the transfer will be since I will be on bedrest for 2 days and DH will have to take toddler duty. I don't think I will be allowed to even pick up the baby. Oh, won't that be fun! I'll ask for sure at my appointment Tuesday whether or not I have a lifting restriction. Now, I wait.

One day at a time

I have been going quite crazy the last couple days. Since I am not working, that gives me pretty much all-day everyday to think about our FET. It seems like I go from thinking about having another child and assuming this will work to thinking I am wasting time and money since it won't work. I told my DH all my concerns the other night and his advice was, "Take one day at a time." He is soooo right! I know why I married him! :-) I sure will try to take one day at a time and not think too much ahead.

Femcon Fe SUCKS!

I have only been on this birth control pill for 2 days, and I HATE it! I've been taking it right before bed and have woken up both nights very nauseous. I called the RE to see if he could put me back on Yasmin. That was what I was on my first IVF and I didn't have much problem with it. I really hope I can be on something else because this stuff is terrible. I can handle moodiness, weight gain, etc, but I cannot deal with feeling sick to my stomach all the time. I can deal with that if I am pg, but not trying to get pg! No thank you!!

UPDATE: The nurse just called and said they called in a Rx for Yasmin! YEA!!!!! I hope this makes me feel better!!

The emotional roller coaster begins

I guess this is more real to me now more than ever. I went to the store to pick up my bcp, and they hadn't gotten it in yet. Ok, so yes, it was inconvenient for them not to have it when they said they would, but it is my own fault for not calling them first. So, I go home and figure I will come back later, and make sure to call! While I am home and waiting, I do a Google search about this BCP. It is called Femcon, and I had never heard of it. BCP and I don't get along well, so I figure I would get some info since I get very nervous about trying something new. I should have NEVER done that. I found a whole bunch of bad reviews about the stuff, which started to scare me. So, I called the RE's office and talked to the nurse. I asked her if there was something else I could take because the pharmacy was having trouble getting the Femcon (had to order it from Denver) and it was a $56 co-pay. The nurse, in her kinda pissed off tone, told me that they want me to take the Femcon and that's that. I don't know if it was the nurse not being totally friendly or what, but after that phone call, I started to cry. Why? A lot of things. I think the whole cycle just kinda hit me! First, I am scared to take this new pill that everyone says is awful, is expensive, and I've never taken before. Second, this brings back lots of memories of our TTC struggles of the past. It was extremely hard on me, and starting back with ART (Assisted Reproductive Technologies) just brings back the pain. Thirdly, I am afraid of the unknown. The uncertainty - Will I get sick from these damn pills? Will my mock transfer and SonoHSG be as bad as last time? Will the Lupron shots give me headaches again? Will the patches I have to wear have side effects? Will my embryos thaw? Will I get pregnant at all? Will I get pregnant with twins (which scares the shit out of me!)? Will this all be a waste of time, energy, and money? Will this be the best thing I've ever done? This roller coaster ride is not a fun one, I can tell you that!

Back on the IVF wagon again.

Wow, it has been almost 2 years since I have posted on this Blog. However, DH and I find ourselves back on the TTC road. Now that our little one is 15 months old, we are ready to try for baby #2. We actually have been trying for over a year on our own. After the baby was born, we decided not to try any contraception since we figured we wouldn't get pg and if we did, then we would be happy it was for free!! Well, it never did happen naturally for us, so we are going back to the RE and trying a frozen embryo transfer (FET). From our IVF back in 06' that produced our son, we have 2 left over embryos (6 day Blasts) that are frozen. It looks like our transfer will be in August sometime. So far, here is my protocol....

6/23/08 - Cycle Day 1
6/25/08 - Start BCP
7/1/90 - Mock transfer and SonoHSG

That is all I know for now. When I go in for my Mock transfer and HSG, they will give me more instructions. I know I will be doing estrogen patches, Lupron shots, and PIO shots, but I don't know when I start them, how much to do, or how long I will do them. From what the RE said at our consultation back in early June, the FET sounds a lot easier than the fresh IVF, but it is still considered IVF none-the-less. It is going to be a fun ride, especially now that I have a toddler
too!

UPDATE: I just got a call from the pharmacy for my BCP. It is a special "newer" BCP and my part to pay is $56! DAMN! I got a $35 coupon from the internet, but damn!!! Oh how I wish this would just be covered by insurance!