The 2ww

I have lost count of how many 2WWs I have gone through, but even with all of those 2wws it still is very hard. This is our first cycle of TTC after our loss. It is hard to have hope right now for me. I want to be positive, but I guess the realist in my knows the odds. They are NOT in our favor. I don't know what I would do with myself if I actually got a BFP this month. I guess I'll find out in about 7-10 days.

Let the OPKs begin

Yep, it is getting to that time in my cycle where I will start using OPKs. You want to know what sucks? I had a CBEFM that I used for ttc our son (tried the CBEFM before seeing the RE). Well, when I got pg in October I figured I didn't need it anymore (we only want 2 kids), so I sold it on eBay. Who knew that I might need to use it again. What a bummer!!! So, I ended up buying some OPKs. I don't like OPKs, that is why I got the CBEFM in the first place. It is a lot easier to read vs lines and which one is darker than the other crap. Plus, when I used the OPKs the first time I was also charting. I can't chart now because my sleeping pattern is all screwed up. I no longer have the joys of sleeping all night. Now that we have our son, sleeping through the night is a rare occurrence. For example, just last night we were up at 2am with a puking toddler. Not fun!! Anyway, since I don't get a constant 7-8 hours, charting my temps would not be accurate. I liked charting along with the OPKs to make sure I didn't miss my ovulation. I guess this time around I will just have to rely on those damn OPKs.

TTC again

Well, things have been going ok. I finally got AF 5 weeks after my D&C. My OB said that we could TTC if my period was "normal" and it was, so I think we will start TTC again. I'm not sure what to feel. My emotions are kinda all over the place. Part of me is happy to get trying again, and the other part of my is scared about getting pg and losing it again. I still am kinda emotional about the m/c, but I guess it depends on the day. I don't really think about the m/c much unless something happens to trigger; like seeing a pregnant woman or having someone ask about it or something. The dr prescribed me some anti-depressants, but they made me so sick that I've decided not to take them. I also started seeing a therapist. I've only seen her once, but have another appointment Friday. I think I am doing better, but it is still up and down.

Bad news to share

Well, unfortunately we are no longer pregnant. I had a miscarriage back in November. At our first ultrasound at 7w4d the baby was only measuring 6w1d and there was just a flicker of a heartbeat. We were hoping for the best that our dates were just off. Since this was a natural cycle I wasn't 100% sure when I ovulated since we were gearing up for IVF with our next cycle. The OB asked me to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound to check for growth. That was a very hard 2 weeks. We wanted to be positive and think that everything was fine and my dates were off, but in the back of my mind I guess I kinda knew things weren't ok. My pregnancy symptoms were not very strong and I hardly had m/s. With my son, I had TERRIBLE m/s from 6 weeks. This was all during the end of November. Ben and I were scheduled for a getaway to Las Vegas the few days before Thanksgiving getting back into town Thanksgiving morning. The OB said to go ahead and go, so we did. However, while we were there I had a couple light spotting issues. It was terrifying since I wasn't even home. I called the OB emergency line from Vegas. She said that if I was miscarrying that there was nothing they could do to stop it anyway and all the walking around we were doing in Vegas was not going to "cause" a miscarriage. I tried to enjoy the rest of the trip, but always had it in the back of my mind, and I am pretty sure Ben did too. Well, we got home in time for Thanksgiving and things were ok, however that weekend I had another little bout of light spotting. There was no way I could wait until the next Thursday for my ultrasound, so Monday morning after the holiday I asked if they could work me in for the ultrasound. Well, being the first day after a long holiday it was PACKED! I left work early because they said they could get me in at 2pm. Ben called off work and we got there and waited until 5pm for the ultrasound! I was pissed, I didn't need to leave work early! Anyway, when I had the ultrasound I knew as soon as I looked at the screen it was over. No heartbeat at all this time - not even a flicker, and there was no growth. It was over. I had what they call "A Missed Miscarriage". I had a D&C Thursday. The D&C wasn't too bad. I think it was harder dealing with the emotional part vs. the physical part. I have been very depressed and suffering from anxiety since the m/c. I am going to the dr today to see if they can get me anything. I guess the good thing about this mess is we found out that we can get pg without treatments. Ben and I will try again on our own for 6 months and then contact the RE again. Maybe an IUI might work for us. I am terrified of getting pg again and m/c again, so I started looking into adoption. Damn it is expensive! I've looked at 2 agencies and one was close to $38,000 and the other was $22,000. For that we can try 2 full cycles of IVF! I know there are cheaper ways to adopt, but we don't want to travel and want an infant. So, adoption is on the back burner until we talk to the RE about maybe some IUI or another IVF this coming summer. I am very heartbroken about losing the baby. I have a lot of on-line friends that it has happened to and friends IRL too, but I NEVER in a million years think it would happen to me. It is so surreal. Well, I guess we get back on the TTC journey. And here I thought we had come to the end. Life sure does keep you on your toes!