Patches = ouch!

I was pretty excited to start with my estrogen patches. I put on my first patch on Monday. The nurse said that it would stick even in the water, so showering and swimming was oked. I wasn't quite convinced that the patches would stay put. I found out that I was wrong. They do stick! In fact, they stick too good!! Yesterday I had to take off the one I put on Monday and replace it. I damn near pulled off my skin!! I even tried getting the patch off in the shower making sure the warm water was running directly on it. Finally, with a little help with some rubbing alcohol, I got it off, but it left a nice red mark on my belly. I have to put a new patch on tomorrow. I hope I can get it off without taking my skin with it!

I'm a bad girl today!

I have always struggled with my weight. Right now, I'd say I probably am about 50 pounds over my ideal weight and according to the Wii Fit I am Obese. YUCK!! Well, this FET cycle is not helping! I am a stress eater and have been. I gained weight when we were TTC before so why would I think it would be any different now? I really wish I would have some self control, but right now I crave sweets! It is terrible for me, yet when I went to the grocery store today I bought way too much junk food! I am a bad, bad person! I am not looking forward to going back to work, but the good thing about it is I won't be home to eat! Maybe once school starts I can lose the 5 pounds I have put on since the summer started.

Oh, I have a job interview tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I want a baby!!!!!

I want to have a baby!! I want this cycle to work sooooo bad that I can hardly stand it. It seems like for the last couple days all I can think about is this FET and it is getting harder and harder with the waiting. Patience is not one of my virtues and even though things are progressing, it just seems like it is creeping along. However, since I have to go back to work, the faster the time goes the less time I get to spend with William. It is a catch 22. Well, I guess this is a lesson for me on patience.

As for the progression of this cycle, things are going fine. I started with the estrogen patches and aspirin today and will keep doing my Lupron. I'm still getting terrible headaches, but like I have said before I am hoping this estrogen will help make those go away. The patch was interesting to put on - kinda itchy but the itchiness has gone away. So far it is still stuck - I was a little worried it wouldn't stick. The nurse said I can shower and swim with it, so I hope she is right because I am going to my parents to go swimming this evening. Only 19 more days until transfer. It is almost like waiting for Christmas when you are a child. It is exciting and taking forever at the same time!

On the down part of the roller coaster today

I was just kinda thinking of things today. I was thinking about having to sell the house. It is hard to leave this house and neighborhood, but I just can't see us being able to afford to stay here if I want to stay home or even if we have 2 kids in daycare. Daycare is very expensive, plus I don't want to be away from a little one. It gets a little easier to be away when they are older, just because they are more independent. I am going to have more trouble being away from William than he will. He loves to be around kids, and I think he will really enjoy being in daycare now. But, what I was thinking was that if this FET doesn't work, that I don't think we should sell the house. The reason we are selling the house is so I can stay home with the baby. But, if I am not able to stay home this year, next year William will only be getting closer to preschool. If we have 2 kids, then I will definitely stay home, but if this doesn't work, then I don't want to sell. Then, after all that thinking, it made me sad to think of this FET not working. Most of this time I have been staying pretty positive about this working. I mean, why wouldn't it work? It worked last time! But today, I am filled with doubt and I'm not sure why. I guess it is just part of the infertility roller coaster. Emotions go up and down, up and down, and I am on the down today. Ugh! Why does infertility hurt so much?

Good appointment yesterday

I had a pretty good appointment yesterday. The ultrasound showed a thin lining and no action in the ovaries - good news. After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse to go over my next set of meds. I keep taking Lupron until 8/9 so another 17 days (bummer). I start my estrogen patches on Monday. I do 1 patch every other day for 6 days, then go to 3 patches every other day for another 6 days, and then up to 4 patches every other day until beta test which is Aug 26th. I also start taking an aspirin on Monday and take those until beta. I have another ultrasound on 8/8 to check my lining. If that looks good, then I start the dreaded PIO (Progesterone in oil) shots on 8/10 and continue those until 12-14 weeks on pregnancy. (Major bummer - but worth it!) I also take 1 pill of Medrol and 2 pills of Doxycycline for 4 days starting 2 days before the transfer. Whew! That is complicated and a lot of stuff to take! It is a good thing the nurse gave me a spreadsheet with everything I need to do! It doesn't look as bad on the spreadsheet. I am getting pretty excited. I have to say that I am very optimistic about this cycle. In my head I am planning on being pregnant. I think I have a bit of over confidence since IVF#1 worked. There is still a possiblity that this won't work, but since this is our last try and it worked last time, I just KNOW this is going to work. (Knock on Wood).

Oh, and I asked the nurse about stress with this cycle. She said not to worry, that our bodies are meant to take a lot of stress, and unless I was so stressed I was having trouble breathing, not sleeping, shaking all the time kinda stress, that I would be fine. So, that was a relief!

How much stress can one person take?

When it rains it pours. As you probably know from the last few posts, I have been very stressed. My stresses range from dealing with wacky emotions from these meds to having the house not sell yet. Well, now we just found out that our cat has FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis) and we have to put him to sleep. I know all this stress is NOT good for this cycle. Am I wasting my time, energy, and money on a cycle that I am killing with stress? I am trying my hardest to take some time everyday to just relax, almost a mini-meditation, but that is sure hard with a toddler. I am so sad about losing our cat. We lost our last cat on our wedding day! OUR WEDDING DAY!! Can you believe it? It took a while before DH was ready to get a cat, and this cat, Zarbie, has been soooo great. I am not much of a cat person, but when DH and I got together I found out that DH was totally a cat person. He even showed his cats. His first cat was a good cat too, and one breed that I am not allergic to. Well, when Fuzzy died on our wedding day, I felt so bad for DH that months later I bought him Zarbie. Zarbie is such a great cat. He cuddles, her purrs, he doesn't jump on the counters, he doesn't scratch, and he is very patient with the baby. The baby absolutely adores the cat. In fact, William's first word and favorite word happens to be "cat". I'm so heart broken, and I know this isn't good for my cycle. When I have my appointment tomorrow, I'm going to talk to the dr about how all this stress is effecting my cycle. I don't want to cancel since we are already into it, plus it is a better time for us to cycle now because I am not working. I don't want all these stupid side effects from the "evil" drug to be for nothing.

Life sure isn't easy sometimes, is it?

Here is a picture of Zarbie.

Lupron is EVIL!

I know I have already posted about my Lupron headaches, but I guess I'm not done complaining about it. I have been so emotional lately - very depressed for the past couple days - that I am blaming it on the Lupron too. I looked up the side effects and emotional issues are a side effect. Great! I've also had bad stomach problems the last few days and again it is a side effect. I HATE that I have to be one this stuff for so long. I know I have at least another week and possibly another! UGH! I am looking forward to my appointment on Wednesday. I will get to find out the other half of my med schedule. I am looking forward to starting those patches so these damn Lupron side effects can go away! On another note, I also started spotting today, so I will consider tomorrow cycle day 1. When I did IVF the first time, my AF after the BCP and Lupron was very light, so I am hoping it is again this time around. I hate AF - well, like any woman likes it - but it is kinda cool to think that this should be my last period for the next 10+ months! WooHoo!

Well, as I look at the time, I see I need to be off to go give myself a shot of pure EVIL - Lupron!

Will someone please shut off my mind?

And all the things I have been thinking about lately? Ugh! It is so frustrating. I can't shut off my mind. I am constantly thinking about this cycle...

What if it doesn't work?
What if it does?
What if we get twins? (Ok - don't count your chickens!!)
Will my next shot hurt?
When will I get AF?
What will my ultrasound next week show?
How will I feel when I start taking my next meds?
Will my embryos make the thaw?
etc, etc, etc.

I wish I could just shut off my mind and think about something stupid like shopping or something.

Oh, my aching head!!

These Lupron headaches are terrible! I had them before when I was taking the Lupron last time, but I had forgotten about how bad they are! The last time I talked to the nurse, she told me I should just take Tylenol. Well, let me tell you that Tylenol does nothing to help these headaches! I finally called the nurse and asked if I could take something else like Advil. She asked the dr and he said that I can take Advil until I start my estrogen patches which I think will be around the 28th. I LOVE Advil! hehehe It really has been helping these headaches. The nurse also said that once I start the estrogen that the headaches should go away! YEA! I have finished taking the BCP and expect to get AF any day, and the 23rd I go back to the RE for an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok.

On another subject, it doesn't look like I will be able to be a Stay at Home Mom. Bummer! We still haven't had a bite on the house and my last paycheck is August. DH and I talked it over, and it just seems silly to go into financial ruin just to be a SAHM. I bet almost every working mom would want to SAH at least for a little while and that all moms that work HATE leaving their babies. So, I guess our plan now is to have me go back to work, keep the house on the market, and either quit my job once the house sells or just kinda keep working until the end of the year and stay home next year. I have put in an application for 2 positions so I guess we will wait and see if I get an interview next week. The positions don't close until the 26th so I know it will be after that. I am a little nervous about going to work and being newly pregnant (hopefully) because when I was pregnant with William I had terrible morning sickness. I hope when I get pregnant after this FET that I won't be so sick. I lucked out last time because I was sick during the summer not during school. Oh well, I will manage!

Wordless Wednesday: Lupron injections - yuck!

1 month to go!

WOW! Only one more month until transfer. 1 month to be exact!! I am getting excited.

BCP + PNV

Isn't it weird? I am taking the birth control pill along with my prenatal vitamin. I've been taking PNVs since 2004. I took them all the while we were TTC our first child, kept taking them after the baby was born just in case we were to get PG on our own, and now continue to take them through this FET cycle. I guess it is just a bit of irony.

Ugh! Gaining weight

That is the part of an IVF cycle that I hate - or any fertility cycle for me. I tend to gain weight. The bad part is I have already gained some weight since school got out for the summer, and now that I am home all the time it makes food a lot easier to snack on that when I am at work. I am already overweight and according to the Wii Fit, I am Obese! Ugh. And since starting the BCP and the Lupron I have gained 2 pounds in about 3 days. I'd love to blame it on the medications, but I don't think I can since I have been eating junk food. I really need to be careful of what I eat. Right now I weight 1 pound more that I did on my first appointment with my OB when I was pregnant with William. I have gained almost 10 pounds from where I was about 3 months ago. I am really feeling low about it. That's what I get for weighing this morning!

Almost let it slip today

We are selling our house so I can be a SAHM with our son next year (I'm not going back to my teaching position next school year). We can't afford our current home on one income, so we have to sell. Well, today we had a showing for our house, so I packed up the baby and went over my parents' house for a little while. We had a nice visit, and the baby LOVES seeing his grandma and grandpa. As we were talking, the topic of babies came up. I almost let it slip about our cycle. Thank goodness I caught myself. It is so hard for me to keep a secret. Some people out there are very closed, but I'm not that kind of person. There are very few things I don't tell people about, so I am finding it very hard to keep my big mouth shut!

Oh, and tonight's shot wasn't as bad. DH got back today from his trip and was there for me. I love him!!!!

P.S.
No offer on the house yet! Boo! We are having an open house Sunday. Maybe that will be our lucky day!

First injection = done!

That was a hard one. The first one! DH wasn't even there for moral support. He is out of town until tomorrow. I got out the medication, the alcohol wips, the syringe, and the red box you put the used needles. All of it, sitting on my kitchen counter, waiting to be broken in. I sat down at the counter, cracked open the Lupron, wiped the top with the alcohol, got the syringe, filled it with the medication, and wiped my skin where I was going to give the injections. Then, I sat there. And sat there, with the needle pointing toward my skin. I just couldn't do it. Then, I started to cry. I hadn't even poked myself yet! Why is it so hard to give myself a shot? It hardly hurts at all! I guess it is because this shot brought back lots on memories of previous shots from our first IVF. There is just so much that rides on an IVF cycle. Hopes, dreams, and the possibility of having those hopes and dreams crushed. Since this is all for baby number 2, I guess I feel selfish. I got my miracle. I got my wonderful little William. On the first try!!! There are so many women that do cycle after cycle of IVF to no avail - spending thousands upon thousands of dollars not getting anything to show for it other than debt!! Then there are those that spend the money on IVF, get pregnant, only to miscarry. The whole process is just so utterly and completely exhausting. Here I am, with the miracle of my son, temping fate again, even kinda temping God trying to get a 2nd miracle. How can I be so selfish? I just hope and pray that we will get our second little miracle. I guess I will try to hold my breath until August. Can I hold on that long?

What have I gotten myself into????

I got my meds delivered today. I feel exactly like I did for my first IVF when I got my meds - totally and utterly freaked out!!

$158 WooHoo!!!

We ordered all our meds for this cycle. The pharmacy called me to get the address where to send it. Then, the lady asked me if insurance would be paying for any of it. Ha! Ya right! Well, I told her to go ahead and see if they would cover anything, fully expecting that the insurance would cover nothing. Well, low and behold, the insurance did cover - a lot of it even!! Meds that would have cost us about $900 ended up only costing $158. SCORE!!! That is so wonderful! The reason that the insurance covered some of the meds is because some of what I will be taking is not considered a "fertility" drug. At last, some good news!!

What is up with my emotions?

My goodness! I am an emotional mess lately. I'd like to blame it on the BCP, but I don't know if I can blame it on everything I have been feeling. I have been on the verge of tears for days. My DH and I went to see Wall.E on Thursday, and I was getting teary eyed over that stupid movie! Yesterday should have been a very nice 4th of July with a swimming party at my folks. However, I have been having a hard time dealing with food lately (found out I have a ton on food allergies and it has been a challenge to me to find foods I can eat that don't make me sick) Because my emotions are crazy, I was again on the verge of tears because I couldn't eat hardly anything because it was all Mexican food (one of my favorites) but I am allergic to chilies which is in almost every mexican dish! Ugh! I feel a little bi-polar. I am happy one minute, can get pissy the next, and then cry. I am trying to take DH's advice and take one day at a time, but I still have been thinking ahead to the shots, transfer, 2ww, etc. I guess I am just so unsure about the outcome that it has me unsure about everything in my life.

On a side note - It was two years ago to the day that I got my BFP from our first IVF cycle. I can remember it vividly. It was one of the best days in my life!

I hate to lie!

I really do hate it. This time, we have decided not to tell anyone that we are cycling, which = LIE after LIE after LIE. For our first IVF, we pretty much told everyone. However, this time I wanted to keep it a secret. Why? Because I want to surprise everyone when I get a BFP - especially my Mom. With the first IVF process, it was hard, emotional, scary, etc and I really needed the support of my DH and my family (especially my Mom). This time, I know more what to expect, and I still have DH to go through it with me. When we get our BFP, I want my Mom and my family to be blown out of the water with the good news. My Mom and I are very close. I'd say we are pretty much best friends. I talk to her everyday and sometimes multiple times in a day. It is really hard for me to lie to her. The other day she called me on my cell and asked if DH and I could go over her house and help her with her swimming pool. Well, when she called I was 40 miles out of town coming home from my RE appointment, and DH was home with the baby. I told her all 3 of us were out shopping. LIE!!! I have an ultrasound appointment on the 23rd, and I'll have to lie again. I need her to babysit the baby because DH can't get off that day and I can't take the baby with me to the ultrasound. LIE again! The day of the transfer = ANOTHER LIE! This time I will see if my Mom and Dad will take the baby overnight so DH and I can have a "weekend getaway". Of course, I just need to be on bedrest after the transfer and don't want to have to deal with a toddler that probably wouldn't understand why Mommy has to stay in bed and ignore him. I tell you, I HATE lying! Plus, I suck at it! #1. I feel terribly guilty for doing it - even though my intentions are good. #2. Everyone can usually tell when I lie! I always wonder if they can see right through my lies. I can't tell you how many times I've almost broken down and told my Mom, but I want to make this special for her. She is a wonderful woman, always helps me no matter what, and has had a pretty crappy year at work. Her school she works at (she is a school counselor) was changed into a magnet school breaking up a very close staff. She was placed in a different school and some of her closest coworkers were placed in different schools. I can't believe the school district did such a crappy thing to all the teachers there. So, I really want her to start her school year at her new school with wonderful news. I hope she (and the rest of the family) will forgive me for all the lies!

My schedule (until 7/23)

Here is my schedule so far...

7/2 - 7/9 BCP only
7/10 - 7/16 BCP + 10 units Lupron (injection)
7/17 - 7/23 10 units Lupron (injection) only

7/23 Go back to the RE for a baseline ultrasound

Once I stop the BCP, I should get another period even though I will still be on the Lupron. The Lupron shot uses a tiny little needle. I give the injections in the abdomen; a little lower than the bellybutton. They hardly hurt. I can give the injections at any time during the day - just making sure to give it about the same time - so I will probably give it to myself after dinner - like around 8pm.

When I go in on the 23rd for my ultrasound, the nurse will give me the rest of the schedule. Sometime after the 23rd I will add baby aspirin, antibiotics, estrogen patches and PIO injections.

All of my meds are ordered, and nothing needs to be refrigerated. So, now I am just taking the bcp and waiting for next Thursday, when I start my Lupron injections.

Mock transfer and SonoHSG today

Well, it wasn't too bad. The last time I did it, it was very painful and pretty much the worst part of the whole IVF process. Anyway, this time it was a breeze! Here are the details...

I was the first appointment of the afternoon. I didn't even have to wait 2 minutes before the nurse took me back. She asked me what we were going to do (mock and SonoHSG) just to make sure I knew what was going on. She took me to the room and explained what they were going to do. She showed me all the stuff they were going to use and then asked if I had questions. She also had me take a antibiotic since they actually go into the body, just in case of an infection. So, she tells me to undress from the bottom down, and then she and the RE would come back. I get undressed, the the RE had me assume the position in the stirrups. He showed me again the catheter that they were going to insert through the cervix. It was about the width of a toothpick (but of course, not sharp in the least! hehehe). It was connected to a syringe filled with water. It had black little marks to show how far it went in. He said it was the same instrument they will use in the actual transfer. He put it in, no problem, no pain, and took the measurements. Then, he put another instrument in, similar to the first only not attached to a syringe, that was a little bit less flexible. With that one, he got another measurement. After that, he took out the less flexible one, put back the one with the syringe and that is what he used for the SonoHSG. He took out the speculum, and inserted the vaginal ultrasound wand. Then he squirted in the water and took pictures. He liked what he saw, but from my point of view I couldn't tell what he was looking at at all!! It looked like a bunch of static, but obviously he knew what he was looking at. He took everything out, and said all was well. The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes at most. I kinda gushed out water when I stood up, but that was to be expected. After I got dressed and everything, I met with the embryologist to talk about my embyos, schedule, and meds. I only have the first half of my schedule, but it looks like we are going to be having the actual transfer on August 15th. Since the baby is getting a little fussy while I type on the computer, I will try to add another post later with a rundown of my time line in detail. It feels good to cross off those procedures!