Ok, now what?

So, FET was negative, so now what do we do? Here is a little background: In order for me to be a Stay at Home Mom, we needed to sell our house. So, we did sell and are currently living with my parents. I was hoping to do a little substitute teaching in order to bring in a few dollars, but also have some flexibility to work only when I wanted to or needed to. Well, the school district I work for told me I am not allowed to sub while on parental leave. Crap! Now, what do I do about the job? I had a phone interview Friday for a part-time teller position, but after hearing how a teller's job not only is transactions but sales, I'm not sure I want to do that. (I hate selling things, plus I suck at it!). If we want to get a house, I have to bring in something - like $500-$1000 a month. So, here we are, living at my parents, have just wasted $3000 on nothing, and now I have NO idea what to do. Even though I am really enjoying being a stay at home mom, I am really missing our house and am thinking it was the wrong thing to do. What to do?

#1. Start looking for cheap houses we can afford on DH's salary alone (crummy little house)?
#2. Stay with my parents for a year, and I go back to work next year and we build a house like our last house (which was big, lots of room, and beautiful)?

And with both options, where does a second child fit in the mix. On TTC $ terms, if we do another fresh IVF it would be about $20,000, but there is no guarantee it would work. We could try a shared risk IVF (long story short - it is like $35,000 but covers 3 cycles and if you don't get pg you get 70% of your money back). We could try adoption, but we have no home for a home study, and it is still about $20,000, plus who knows how long it would take and later in life issues with adoption. If we do IVF or adopt, then we will need a loan, and that is scary when we have 2 car loans, my student loans, and possibly want to qualify for a mortgage in the near future. Then, if we go with option #2 with IVF and it works, then I can't be a SAHM and we'd need daycare for 2 kids.

Ugh, my mind is spinning. Why can't life be easy?

Beta today

Confirmed: Negative. The number was less than 1, so neither embryo implanted at all. We will have an appointment next week to discuss what our next step is, which I don't even know what I want to do. I'm sad, but I guess I've kinda been dealing with the BFN for the last couple days. At least I can stop all my meds and no more shots so my butt can heal.

8dp6dt

Another BFN

Guess I should get it through my head. I'm a failure! I just killed off 2 perfectly good children.

7dp6dt

BFN


SHIT!

5dp6dt

At least, I think that is where I am today. I caved and POAS this afternoon and got a BFN. It was not with FMU, and I don't know if it makes a difference in the count that we used 6 day blasts vs. 5 day blasts, but it royally sucks ass!! All I can say is I am very depressed. I tested yesterday and got a BFN too. I don't know whether I will test tomorrow morning or not. Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. I don't know what to think anymore.

I'm so impatient!!!

Ugh!! This waiting is soooo hard! It has only been 3 days since my transfer, and I'm already DREAMING about doing a home pregnancy test! Yep, last night I dreamt that I did a HPT and it come out positive So, that was a good dream, but already dreaming about it??? I'm not even planning on doing a HPT until next week. This wait is going to be even harder than I thought!

Transfer done, 2 blasts now in my uterus!

My transfer yesterday went really well. The fantastic news is that both of the blasts made the thaw! Yipee! I was so nervous about having them thaw. Our transfer was scheduled for noon, so we had to be at the surgery center at 11:00am. We left home at 10:00am since it takes an hour to get there (my RE and the surgery center are not in my town). I called the office before we left just to see how the embryos were doing, and we got the call back right as we were leaving town. They told us both the embryos were alive and well! WooHoo! I started to relax just a bit, which made the car ride a little easier. We got to the surgery center right at 11:00am, got checked in, and waited in the waiting room until about 11:45. They took me back, had me undress from the bottom down, and after I was all hospital gowned up, they took me to the little room where Benjamin was waiting for me. The nurses took my blood pressure (which was fine), asked me lots of questions, and then we waited. We waited. We waited, and waited, and waited! Now, mind you we got to the surgery center at 11:00am, so neither Benjamin nor I had eaten lunch yet, and we were getting hungry! Finally, at 1:00pm they took me back for the transfer ~ both of us still hungry. How silly to be thinking of food at a time like that! Anyway, they moved me to the operating table, got me in the stirrups, and got ready to go. It wasn't too bad because they had some very nice classical music playing in the background that was very soothing. Benjamin was sitting next to me, holding my hand, and then the RE came and and said he was ready to get started! Yikes! It was about to happen. They got the speculum in (yeow!) and wiped the cervix with some antiseptic or something. And then (here is the really embarrassing part) the RE had to give me a trim down there! Oh, my! Guess I didn't have things as "neat" as I thought. Oh, well. Then the RE was ready to get the catheter in, which was not easy. I guess my cervix is angled toward the back, so he had to practically look underneath to see the markings on the catheter to make sure it was at the correct depth. After a few more adjustments, he said, "We're all ready." The embryologist gave him the syringe with the embryos, and he put them in! Wow! At that moment I was pregnant ~ the moment of conception! He sent the syringe back to the embryologist to make sure the embryos made it out of the syringe into my uterus. She gave a big, "All clear", and it was done. The RE took out the catheter, the speculum (aahhh, much better), and then told me to come back next Thursday for a pregnancy test! Oh wow!! A pg test!!!! They moved me back to the other bed, which was much more comfortable than the operating table, and wheeled me to recovery. They adjusted the bed so my head was below my feet and had me lay that way for an hour. It was 1:15pm when we got to recovery, and the nurse said we could go at 2:15pm. Benjamin and I were STARVING by this time, but we figured we would just run by a McDonald's on the way home. So, there we were, watching the clock creep by, Benjamin sitting on the chair next to me and me in the bed with my feet up in the air - oh so comfortable. I played my Nintendo DS a little (I always carry it in my purse, I guess I am a total geek!), but in my position, it wasn't really easy to play, so I put it away and just kinda laid there, did some praying to God that these little ones would stick, and closed my eyes. One of the nurses popped in and gave us both a pop and some graham crackers. Those tasted so good, and maybe would help tide us over until we left. By 2:00pm I was really ready to be done. Not only was my head feeling like it was going to explode because all my blood was going that way, but I also had to pee really badly! At 2:15pm, the nurse came in and moved my bed to the normal position. Whoa, that felt weird. All my blood went back to my feet, and I felt a little dizzy, but it didn't last long. The nurses helped me to my feet, and I got to go to the bathroom! Ahhh, relief! I got dressed, the nurses gave us a pop for the ride home, and we were off to Micky D's! Did I mention we were starving by then? The drive home was nice. I reclined my seat for the ride home, and we got home by 3:30pm. I just laid on the couch, and let my Mom pamper me, since Benjamin had to go over to the house and get everything out for the closing Friday. My Mom took care of William and even made me a special treat. You gotta love Mom!! Today, my dad has baby duty, and I am still on the couch. I was on bedrest yesterday and am supposed to be "taking it easy" for the next 2 days. Now, we just wait. This is going to be a long 9 days.

On a personal note, as for teaching, I was asked to substitute for my old school for the first couple weeks because a teacher's father is having surgery and she is going to be out of town. I called HR to get on the sub list, and the lady I talked to said I can't be on the sub list if I am on "parental leave". Oh great, that is not what the lady in charge of substitutes told me! I called her last week and she said I could sub, and I even had an appointment on the 27th to get on the list. Ah, you gotta love the school district! One person says yes, the other no. So, who knows if I will be able to sub or not. I'm waiting to hear from HR with an answer. I could resign and sub, but then if I go back next year or the next, I won't be guaranteed a position. If they do let me sub, I'll start Friday to get things ready as the kids start back Monday. So, now it is just wait to hear the news. I don't really care either way.

Oh my, tomorrow is the day!

I can't believe that it is tomorrow! Tomorrow I will be pregnant! I am running through a wide range of emotion today. I am excited, nervous, scared, and happy. Since our IVF worked last time, I've had pretty high hopes for this FET to work, but the logical person inside knows that there is a good possiblity it won't work. We only have a 30% chance it will work, and we had a 50% chance from our first IVF. Tomorrow, I plan to just lay in bed and watch TV once we get home from the surgery center. Last time I was given some medication to relax me, but this time I'm not sure I want it. Last time I was REALLY nervous, but this time I kinda know what to expect, plus the mock transfer we did went really easy. I didn't really like how I felt on the medication when I got home last time, so I think I will: 1. see what the dr says about it 2. see how nervous I actually feel tomorrow, and 3. make the decision on the medication based on 1 and 2. It is going to be a long wait until my pg test. I will probably cave and do a home pregnancy test. I probably will the day before or of the pg test. I want to go in knowing what to expect. I think it is harder to wait for a call from the dr. If it turns out to be negative, then I will have some time to be prepared. I'm already nervous just thinking about it!

5 pills to take for the next 4 days!

I now have 5 pills (instead of the 2) that I have to take for the next 4 days. I will be taking the prenatal vitamin and aspirin that I have been taking for a while now, but now I get to add Medrol, which is a steroid that is supposed to help with implantation, and doxycycline (sp?), which is an antibiotic that I have to take since they will actually be going "inside" my body. All of those pills plus the 4 estrogen patches I do every other day and the daily PIO shot! Whew, that is a lot to do!

Yeow, PIO shots are painful!

Well, we started our PIO shots and they hurt. The first one was very painful, but the one last night wasn't as bad. I can't believe how close the transfer is getting. I think I will be glad when it is finished. Right now my fear is if the two embryos we have will thaw. Our clinic has a very high thaw rate (90%), but I guess I am afraid that I will be part of the 10%.

As for the move, things are absolutely nuts! Benjamin and I worked all day at the house getting the last little odds and ends packed and moved. We are very close to being done. He has a few more loads to take to storage because it was raining all day and we couldn't take a load. But, the stuff he needs to take is stacked neatly in the garage. The house is almost empty. We have 1 cabinet and 2 drawers to empty and then it will be done. All I will need to do tomorrow is clean. I did a little cleaning today, but I have some more to do. It will be a big weight off my back to have it done. I am really sad about leaving though. It is funny. It was something that I wanted to do and still want to do, but it is like I don't want to leave. It will be worth it the first time William gets a little bug or something and I won't have to call off work to take him to the dr. I know it is worth it!

Time set for transfer!

Shannon, the embryologist, called me this morning with the information about our transfer. It is scheduled for 12:00 noon on August 19th. We will need to be there about 11am. She will thaw the embryos first thing in the morning, let them expand, and will let us know how they are doing before the transfer. After the transfer, we will stay at the surgery center for about an hour and then head home. Once I am home, I am on bedrest. The next 2 days I will need to "take it easy" and no lifting William until the weekend with "limited" lifting after that. I'm not supposed to hold him all day or pick him up a lot. That is going to be hard, but thank goodness I told my parents what is up so they can help up out. I also got my progesterone today, so we are all set for the first shot tonight. The first shot is always the hardest, but I'm sure all will be fine. So, for now I just stay the course. I am getting pretty excited. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but that is hard for me to do. I just hope this all works out and we get another little baby for our family.

Last shot of Lupron tonight!

Yea! Tonight's shot was it for that nasty stuff, but I do have to admit that once I started the estrogen it hasn't been as bad. Tomorrow night is my first PIO shot, and I am a little nervous about it. At least I don't have to do those. Benjamin gets to do those for me. I should get my new Olive Oil progesterone tomorrow. I am really hoping that those go well. Wish me luck!

Better news today

I had much better news at my lining check today. I went from a lining of 6mm to a lining of 10.4mm!! WooHoo! Everything is a go for our transfer on Aug 19th. One week away! I will stop my Lupron on Wednesday and start my progesterone shots Thursday. We did kinda hit a snag on the progesterone since we found out it is in Sesame Oil, and I am allergic to sesame. The good news is we found out before I started the shots - the bad news is the pharmacy won't take back medication so I will have to pay twice. Oh well, it really isn't that expensive and not that big of deal to me. The embryologist will be calling me sometime this week with the schedule of transfer. They wanted to wait until they knew my lining was better before they scheduled. I am really getting excited. I will be pregnant next Tuesday (until proven otherwise).

As for the move, we are officially at my parents' house, but our old house is still full of little things that need to be packed and moved. All the furniture is out thanks to my Ben, his best friend, and my brother. We don't have to be out until the 22nd, so we will try to do a little every night this week and be out - all the way out - by the weekend. Looks like it will be another crazy week!

Not the best news today

Today I had my uterus lining check. A full, thick lining should be about 11-13mm. My lining measured today at 6mm. The lining is what you shed (a woman's period) when you aren't pg. The Dr wasn't too happy with it, so now everything is changed. I now have to add an estrogen tablet vaginally and keep up with my estrogen patches for an extra 5 days. The Dr said that the added estrogen and taking the estrogen patches longer might thicken things up. He said that some pregnancies can happen with a 6mm, but this point for my first IVF I was at 9mm. Because things have been pushed back, we decided to tell my parents about the cycle. I was really disappointed that we had to tell them, but it does feel good to get the secret out. It was about killing me not to tell them. Our transfer is now tentatively scheduled for Aug 19. I have to be on bed-rest for the day of transfer and modified bed-rest for the following two days. And, I don't think I will be able to lift William for a few days either. Since, we will be living with my parents, I don't think I would have been able to keep it a secret anyway. Plus, it will be nice to have some help from them while I'm on bed rest and can't pick up the baby. I know this is only a little kink in the road, but now my confidence is a little shaken. I have another lining check on Tuesday, so I'll keep you posted on that. So for now, I will just keep praying that the extra estrogen and extra time will be what my body needs. Now I will focus on packing and moving. We are going to try to move our beds and belongings over the Mom and Dad's this weekend, then we will have a good 2 weeks to get everything else out of the house, into storage, before the closing on Aug 22nd. We have a lot of work, and here I sit on the computer. Maybe I should get to work, or at least give the baby a bath!

Thoughts for a Thursday

Today's thought: I wonder what tomorrow's RE appointment will bring. DH is going with me and he is bringing DS because we don't have daycare. I hope DS is a good boy. I wonder if my lining is good. It is so strange since for our fresh IVF I went to the RE like every other day; had blood draws and ultrasounds. This will only be my second appointment, and won't have another until my transfer next Fri!

Wordless Wednesday: Injections! Wipe, fill, stick

My Schedule

I figure I'd go ahead and share my schedule. Click the picture to make it bigger so it can be read.
















P.S.
I got my Lupron today. After my shot last night, I probably had enough for today to, but I don't have to worry now.

Uh oh! Almost out of Lupron!

I was noticing that I was getting low on Lupron, but never did the nurse or Dr tell me I would need to refill the prescription. I think I have enough for maybe 1 more shot! YIKES! So, I looked at the box and read that I have 1 refill. Um, oops! Guess I should have noticed that sooner. So, as soon as the pharmacy opened today I called them and asked for the refill. It is a pharmacy in California that specializes in fertility meds. Luckily they can overnight it, so I should have it for tomorrow. I just hope I have enough for tonight. I only have 6 more Lupron shots to go; my last shot is Saturday night. Yea! Then, I switch my Lupron to PIO. Oh, joy!

Now - 3 patches

Well, I have now progressed up to 3 patches of estrogen instead of just 1. Today was easy to find places for the 3, but when I take these off and have to put 3 more on Tuesday, I am wondering where I am going to put them. When I take them off, they leave a red mark and some left over adhesive, so I don't want to put new ones directly over where I put the old ones. I guess I might need to find some alternative places for them to go.

On the home front - WE SOLD OUR HOUSE! WOOHOO!!!!!! I can't believe it. I never thought we would be able to sell in this horrible housing market. We signed the papers today on the offer and now just have to kinda go through the other stuff before closing. I have to admit that this is not the best timing to have to pack and move right in the middle of our FET. They want to close on Aug 22nd, but we are going to try to be all moved out before my transfer on the 15th. We are going to move in with my parents for a while. I am thinking that if I get pregnant with twins I could really use the help of my parents. It is cool, because things are just kinda falling into place. We got the offer 2 days before my job interview (I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week and had another interview tomorrow). We are still going to try to keep this FET a secret from my parents. We thought about telling them, but we don't want all the effort we've put into not telling them go to waste. So, once we move in it will be fun trying to do my PIO shots on the sneak, but we will just have to do it! It is going to be a crazy few weeks!

YEA!!! I get to be a STAY AT HOME MOM! YEA!!!

13 days until the big "T"

WOW, 13 days! It is hard to believe. Things are going well. My headaches have gone now that I have been on the estrogen patches - YEA! The Lupron shots are going well. I keep taking the baby aspirin and PNV. So, overall, I'm good! I have a lining check Friday. If my lining looks good then I start my dreaded PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shots next Sunday. Those are the BAD ones. Those are the ones that have to go into the butt muscle unlike the Lupron ones that are just subcutaneous in the stomach that I can do myself. The PIO shots Benjamin has to do for me. They are LONG needles and hurt. What really is a bummer is once I get pg I have to continue the shots for another 12-14 weeks, every night. It is worth it in the end, but I admit it is no fun at all. Thank goodness for Benjamin. He is so good at giving them to me. He did so well with the first IVF that I have full confidence in him. I think it is good to have him do them so he can have a part in this cycle too. I mean, it really has been all me. My dr's appointments, my medication, my shots, my transfer; all having to do with me. With this FET he doesn't even need to do anything - the embryos are already fertilized! This will get him more involved. So, I guess we just keep moving on with the cycle. More Lupron shots, estrogen patches, and aspirin.