Probably won't be posting here

I probably won't be posting on this blog any longer. It is hard for me to keep up with 2 blogs, so I will be concentrating on my family blog. If this pregnancy makes its way to the end, and we end up with a beautiful little baby, then chances are I will not be pregnant again. We want 2 kids, so unless something happens with this baby or we get crazy and decide we want a 3rd child, my guess is I will not need to post my TTC journey. It is bitter sweet to think that our TTC is at an end. It has been such a big part of our lives for the past 4 years. Thanks for following my journey, and please come over to my other blog to check in on us!

http://oursweetwilliam.blogspot.com/

Ugh, still dealing with morning sickness!

Ugh! TGIF! I don't know if I have needed a weekend more than I needed this one. I have still been struggling with morning sickness. Thank goodness I haven't been puking, but the all day nauseousness is just really bringing me down. Sorry, I am kinda whiny today. Not only have I been dealing with the morning (or should I say "every waking moment") sickness, but I still have my cold. Oh, and of course this week at school was CSAP! (The state testing). Well, I guess the good thing about the m/s is that having m/s is a good sign that the baby is ok. I just keep telling myself that it is worth it!!

Oh, and here is the size of the baby at 9 weeks (which I will be tomorrow). A green olive!

Morning sickness sucks ass!

Sorry, but it does! I've been struggling since about 2am with it. I still haven't puked, but if I was a puking person, and not one that does everything in her power not to puke, I'm sure I would have puked 4 times by now. It is a sense of relief that I am feeling morning sickness, as I really didn't with the baby I lost, but it still sucks ass! Why is it that when people have the stomach flu, they stay home, but women who suffer from morning sickness are encouraged to stay at work? That doesn't seem fair! Not that I am at work today, but I have to work tomorrow. I sure hope I am feeling better by then!

I now have a little blueberry in my tummy!

Here he/she is!!!

We have a heartbeat!!

YEA! The ultrasound was fantastic! The baby measured exactly on time (6w4d) and had a strong heartbeat. The RE didn't measure how fast it was, but was very please with it! I'll add a picture once we get the ultrasound picture scanned! I am going to have a baby!!!

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

First ultrasound is tomorrow

And I'm not sure I'm going to make it! I'm so impatient. It seems like we have waited for an eternity for the day to come. My emotions are just a jumble of feelings. I go from feeling like things are perfect and we will see the heartbeat, to thinking "I wonder when I'll need another D&C." I am trying to have a positive attitude (even though I know what I just said). I have to say that this time around I am feeling a lot more morning sickness. I think that is a good sign. When I was pregnant with William, I had pretty bad morning sickness. I only puked once, but I had all-day nausea. I've had steady nausea since Friday; so a full 5 days now. When I was pg and lost the baby, I had a little m/s, but not much. There are also a few things that I think may have been problems during my last pregnancy and maybe had something to do with the m/c. Last time, I had strep throat so a very high fever, lots of Advil, and lots of antibiotics. At the time, I had no clue I would be pregnant, and all those things are bad during the first trimester. Also, last time I got a severe static shock. It was the worst shock I have ever received in my life. Everything I read on the Internet said that a shock is TERRIBLE for a baby, no matter what trimester. Another thing is I am not under as much stress as last time. I found out I was pregnant a couple days before we closed on our house, so there was all the stress with offers, counter offers, and inspections. Now, I have no clue if any of these things contributed to the loss of the baby or if there was just some genetic defect, which is what most miscarriages are caused by. It may not make one bit of difference, but when you are the type of person like I am, I like answers! I am a teacher. I teach why things are the way they are and answer questions all day. When there is something that comes along that I don't have a definitive answer for, it bugs me. I need to get into my mind that some things are not answered and not in my control. That is so hard for me. So, what I am going to do with myself until I get to my ultrasound at 3:50pm? Think about it all day long, pray and pray and pray and pray, and try to get it through my thick skull that there is nothing I can do to help things or hurt them. It is out of my hands.

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

6 weeks today

I am 6 weeks today. For some reason it seems like a bit of milestone. I don't know. My ultrasound in on Wednesday, and it seems like a million years away! I know it is only 4 days, but after what happened last time, I guess I am just anxious to make sure everything is ok. It was our first ultrasound last time where we found out there was a problem. The baby was measuring more than a week behind, and didn't have a regular heartbeat. I'm not sure I'll be able to look at the ultrasound monitor. I hope the next 4 days go fast. Some good news, I've only had a couple days of really light spotting and nothing for the past 2, so hopefully that scare is done!

Here is how big the baby is at 6 weeks... a Sweet Pea

.

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

Good news!!

After fearing the worst after my brown spotting (which I also had some this morning), I went to my RE to have another beta down. Thank goodness, it had risen to over 2000! I am sooooo relieved! The RE said he wasn't sure why I was spotting, but he was very happy with my levels. So, we are still on for our first ultrasound on Feb 26th. Please oh please let us see a heartbeat!!

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

Brown Spotting

Oh no, not again! I woke up this morning to a lot of brown spotting. (TMI alert) Not enough to get on anything, but quite a bit when I wiped. I am so upset. I called my RE and asked if I should go to the ER. I had lots of bad cramping on Friday and some on my side, so I was a little concerned about an ectopic (in the tube) pregnancy. The RE said that if I wasn't in a lot of pain, that I probably don't have an ectopic, and I don't have much cramping at all. The RE said I can go in Monday (but, I wonder if he meant Tuesday because I wouldn't think they'd be open on President's Day. I'll call tomorrow though). They will check my blood levels, and if they go down, then I will m/c. He will also give me an ultrasound to see if he can see something in the uterus (not the tube). I am just kicking myself for starting to tell people about this pregnancy. I knew I should have waited until our first ultrasound, but once I had good rising beta numbers, I thought this pregnancy would be ok and was excited to share the good news. Stupid me!! I guess I will just take it easy today and just pray hard that the spotting in nothing. With my last pregnancy, I only had a tiny bit of pink spotting while Ben and I were in Las Vegas, and now we know the baby had already died by then. My levels were increasing as of Thursday, so I am hoping this is just some old blood or something. I want to be positive, but at the same time I don't want to kid myself. I'll keep you posted. I don't want to lose another child. It was hard enough losing my last child. If you are a praying person, send one up for my little one. Thanks!

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

Beta #3!

473

YES! It went up again. The RE was good with my numbers, so I don't even have to go in for another beta. My first ultrasound will be Feb 26th. Two weeks of waiting will be torture, but I am just got a good vibe about this pregnancy. Pray for me that we will see a nice strong heartbeat at that ultrasound!

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

Beta #2

149

The nurse said it was a good rise even though it is a little slower rise than I would have liked. Betas should double every 48-72 hours, and this was 54. For my first pregnancy and the one I lost, my betas doubled in less than 48 hours. I guess I will just try to relax since the nurse said it was good. They also tested my progesterone, and that was 15.7, and that was good too. So for now, I am still pregnant and will just pray that this baby sticks. I go back on Thursday for a 3rd draw.

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

First Beta results...

59.5

YEA!! Last time my first beta was only 9 and then 2 days later it was only 48! This time I am starting off stronger, so that really helps! I go back on Monday for a second draw. I just pray it rises like it is supposed to!

Yep! BFP confirmed this morning!!!!

OMG!!!

I just got a BFP!!

I can't believe it. I had been having some symptoms, but I thought they were all in my head. Until yesterday, when I went outside to take the dog out and thought I smelled something burning. I had DH come out and he said he couldn't smell a thing. Then, I have been REALLY tired the last couple days. So, I held my pee all evening and took a dollar store test. And then, there it was... line. A faint one, but there. Here is a picture, but I know it is hard to see...

















I'll take a digital tomorrow morning, but holy crap - I'm pregnant again. Now, just pray that this one sticks!!



P.S.
If anyone knows me in real life, please don't tell anyone. I don't plan on calling the dr until I am a week late and I'm not planning on telling anyone until I get some for sure news from the OB that I have a healthy baby in there. I don't think I have a lot of friends or family that read this Blog, but just in case. Please don't say anything! THANKS!!!

The 2ww

I have lost count of how many 2WWs I have gone through, but even with all of those 2wws it still is very hard. This is our first cycle of TTC after our loss. It is hard to have hope right now for me. I want to be positive, but I guess the realist in my knows the odds. They are NOT in our favor. I don't know what I would do with myself if I actually got a BFP this month. I guess I'll find out in about 7-10 days.

Let the OPKs begin

Yep, it is getting to that time in my cycle where I will start using OPKs. You want to know what sucks? I had a CBEFM that I used for ttc our son (tried the CBEFM before seeing the RE). Well, when I got pg in October I figured I didn't need it anymore (we only want 2 kids), so I sold it on eBay. Who knew that I might need to use it again. What a bummer!!! So, I ended up buying some OPKs. I don't like OPKs, that is why I got the CBEFM in the first place. It is a lot easier to read vs lines and which one is darker than the other crap. Plus, when I used the OPKs the first time I was also charting. I can't chart now because my sleeping pattern is all screwed up. I no longer have the joys of sleeping all night. Now that we have our son, sleeping through the night is a rare occurrence. For example, just last night we were up at 2am with a puking toddler. Not fun!! Anyway, since I don't get a constant 7-8 hours, charting my temps would not be accurate. I liked charting along with the OPKs to make sure I didn't miss my ovulation. I guess this time around I will just have to rely on those damn OPKs.

TTC again

Well, things have been going ok. I finally got AF 5 weeks after my D&C. My OB said that we could TTC if my period was "normal" and it was, so I think we will start TTC again. I'm not sure what to feel. My emotions are kinda all over the place. Part of me is happy to get trying again, and the other part of my is scared about getting pg and losing it again. I still am kinda emotional about the m/c, but I guess it depends on the day. I don't really think about the m/c much unless something happens to trigger; like seeing a pregnant woman or having someone ask about it or something. The dr prescribed me some anti-depressants, but they made me so sick that I've decided not to take them. I also started seeing a therapist. I've only seen her once, but have another appointment Friday. I think I am doing better, but it is still up and down.

Bad news to share

Well, unfortunately we are no longer pregnant. I had a miscarriage back in November. At our first ultrasound at 7w4d the baby was only measuring 6w1d and there was just a flicker of a heartbeat. We were hoping for the best that our dates were just off. Since this was a natural cycle I wasn't 100% sure when I ovulated since we were gearing up for IVF with our next cycle. The OB asked me to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound to check for growth. That was a very hard 2 weeks. We wanted to be positive and think that everything was fine and my dates were off, but in the back of my mind I guess I kinda knew things weren't ok. My pregnancy symptoms were not very strong and I hardly had m/s. With my son, I had TERRIBLE m/s from 6 weeks. This was all during the end of November. Ben and I were scheduled for a getaway to Las Vegas the few days before Thanksgiving getting back into town Thanksgiving morning. The OB said to go ahead and go, so we did. However, while we were there I had a couple light spotting issues. It was terrifying since I wasn't even home. I called the OB emergency line from Vegas. She said that if I was miscarrying that there was nothing they could do to stop it anyway and all the walking around we were doing in Vegas was not going to "cause" a miscarriage. I tried to enjoy the rest of the trip, but always had it in the back of my mind, and I am pretty sure Ben did too. Well, we got home in time for Thanksgiving and things were ok, however that weekend I had another little bout of light spotting. There was no way I could wait until the next Thursday for my ultrasound, so Monday morning after the holiday I asked if they could work me in for the ultrasound. Well, being the first day after a long holiday it was PACKED! I left work early because they said they could get me in at 2pm. Ben called off work and we got there and waited until 5pm for the ultrasound! I was pissed, I didn't need to leave work early! Anyway, when I had the ultrasound I knew as soon as I looked at the screen it was over. No heartbeat at all this time - not even a flicker, and there was no growth. It was over. I had what they call "A Missed Miscarriage". I had a D&C Thursday. The D&C wasn't too bad. I think it was harder dealing with the emotional part vs. the physical part. I have been very depressed and suffering from anxiety since the m/c. I am going to the dr today to see if they can get me anything. I guess the good thing about this mess is we found out that we can get pg without treatments. Ben and I will try again on our own for 6 months and then contact the RE again. Maybe an IUI might work for us. I am terrified of getting pg again and m/c again, so I started looking into adoption. Damn it is expensive! I've looked at 2 agencies and one was close to $38,000 and the other was $22,000. For that we can try 2 full cycles of IVF! I know there are cheaper ways to adopt, but we don't want to travel and want an infant. So, adoption is on the back burner until we talk to the RE about maybe some IUI or another IVF this coming summer. I am very heartbroken about losing the baby. I have a lot of on-line friends that it has happened to and friends IRL too, but I NEVER in a million years think it would happen to me. It is so surreal. Well, I guess we get back on the TTC journey. And here I thought we had come to the end. Life sure does keep you on your toes!