Another tough day for me

Well, today was my regular Sunday, which means going to church to direct the choir. I have been directing the choir for over a year now, but not really been wanting to do it much. Today was a bad service. I guess I should say that ever since my BFN from IUI#1, I've been struggling with my faith. I've been going back between thinking that there is no God at all, or the fact that God hates me or is punishing me for something. I did not want to set foot in the church at all today, but I kept thinking that it is my job, and treating it more like a job. Unfortunately, todays entire service was about children. The straw that broke the camel's back was when we started to sing "Jesus Loves Me". I couldn't take it and ended up just walking out of the service. I have NEVER done that in my life. I went around the back of the church and put my robe and stoll in the church office and took off. I didn't know where to go. I didn't have my purse, so no car keys and no paper or pencil to leave a note to DH and Mom where I was going. I ended up just walking around the streets where the church it. I was back a little later than I thought I would be (about 10 minutes after the service was over). I didn't mean to worry DH and Mom, but I just couldn't be there any more. I have decided to ask for a medical leave while we are still struggling with this infertility shit. I know once I start my meds for IVF and the stress going with that, that I totally will not want to have the stress of church on top of it. I have written a letter that I will email to the church secretary and hopefully she will pass it to the people who need to read it. It is a hard decision, but I feel better already about it. I just need some time for myself and not to feel guilty for putting myself ahead of others for once in my life.

Thursday is never going to get here!

Thursday is our meeting with the RE to finialize all the IVF stuff. I want to know when I will start the drugs, what drugs I will be taking, and when my ER and ET will be. I am a planner and really want to know.

Started BCP!

It is so weird to think that I am taking birth control! Nothing much to report today. Walgreen's screwed up my prescription! Stupid people! They had me under "Lisa Reed". So, I had to call the RE's office and Walgreens and finally they got it all taken care of. I've had IVF on my mind a lot. Oh - there is a surprise! hehehe I am a little worried that we may be rushing into things fast, but that is what we did when we got engaged. Everything just seems right. I've had 2 of the pre-IVF procedures already and we will be getting some of our medication donated to us! It just seems right. And, I was thinking that if the IVF doesn't work then I can focus myself on adoption. This month after month of disappointment is killing me!!

I'm tired of thinking too much.

It seems like ever since I got AF at the beginning of Sunday evening, I have been thinking non-stop about babies, TTC, and everything having to do with both. I was so devistated with AF that Sunday night and Monday was spent basically mourning and then Monday night semi-excited about starting IVF. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster!! Then to top it off, school is CRAZY because of the stupid 3rd/4th grade musical. I've been teaching the music to the kids, and I'm not even the music teacher. And to add insult to injury, we get to miss the next 2 weeks of plan times just to practice this stupid play! It seems like I've got too much on my plate and since I've gotten home from work the only thing I can do is sit on the couch like a slug! I am sooooo tired from having 2 nights of barely any sleep and didn't sleep well this weekend. Can someone just knock me out tonight so I can have a good nights rest like in 4 days? I am more ready for the end of this school year than I think I have been in the last 5 years (only excluding my first year teaching)!!! We have a meeting with our RE next Thursday to go over all the IVF stuff, and I am supposed to start taking BCP tomorrow. The whole IVF process is a little overwhelming - well, a lot overwhelming, but if we end up with a child it will be worth it in the end. I am trying to decide who I want to tell about this. I am thinking maybe only Mom and Mindy. I think I will leave the church and school families out of the loop this time.

Moving on to plan B - IVF

After spending a day off of work because I just couldn't deal with getting AF and being around rotten kids, I am feeling a little better now. Considering I cried for probably about 5 hours, I have control over my emotions now. I had to go in for my beta anyway, and of course it turned out negative. They had to check for an ectopic. My levels were 0, so not even a chemical pg. Anyway... DH and I had a great talk. We went out for dinner and discussed what we would do next. We decided that we will be trying IVF in June!! HOLY SH*T!!! I did talk to the RE's office about getting some info on IVF, and Kelly from the office called me right before we left for dinner. They had a patient donate some meds, so it looks like this first attempt will cost us $10,000. With my summer school job, mom and dad hopefully giving is $2000 and is selling our Ford Mustang, I think we can do one try without credit. If it comes to 2 tries, then we will hit up his parents and my aunt and uncle. I think we will only try 2 times, and after that move on to adoption. I am going to call the RE tomorrow to see about getting an appointment to talk to Dr. Silverstein about moving on to IVF. I asked Kelly if it is strange just trying IUI once and then moving on to IVF, but she said it wasn't strange at all and a lot of women do it. It is a big step, but one I think we are ready for!

No baby for us in 2006, just got AF. LIFE SUCKS!!!

Yep, came home from our very nice weekend away to AF. I'm crushed. Been crying most of the night and dreading having to call my Mom becuase I know I will just start to cry again. There is no need for me to even go got my beta done at all. I can't take this disappointment much longer. And the hardest thing of all this, is I'm losing my faith in God. I can't believe I am even saying that, but I am. I am ready to quit my job at the church as choir director and not go anymore. The prayers from me and the prayers of my church family have been going unanswered. And, yes, there is all that talk that God must not think it is the "Right" time for us. Screw that!! We are loving people that would be great parents!! Tell me it is the right time for an unwed 15 year old to have a child. Tell me it is right timing when I call parents of my students that couldn't care less about how their child is doing in school. Tell me it is the right timing when DH and I end up possibly spending $100,000 on infertility treatments that don't work (already did $1500). Tell me it is right timing when I am sticking myself every night with needles. Tell me it is right timing when I have to take many days off of work for ultrasounds and when if I do get pregnant won't have enough days off so I can stay home with my child. Tell me it is right timing when I feel like a failure every time I get AF. Tell me it is right timing when everytime DH and I make love, it isn't "love" at all, it is based on drugs and what the doctors tell us! Tell me it is right timing when I wish I was DEAD!!!

A down day for me today.

Well, today started off badly. It all started with taking my temp this morning for my chart. If it was 98.1or higher, then FF said my chart was possibly triphasic!! And, of course when I took it this morning it was 97.9. I was not happy and figured there MUST be something wrong with my thermom! (Ya, right - grasping at straws or what?) So, about 10 minutes later I take it again and it is now 98.1! And, another 5 minutes later it is 98.3! I am DRIVING myself crazy with these stupid temps! After all this temping crap, I am lying in bed, thinking, "God hates me! I am quiting church! I wish I was dead." This is not exactly a great way to wake up. About an hour later, I get up, take a shower, and go to work. I guess I kinda came back to reality when I got to work. The mind plays funny tricks on me. I am not as depressed as this morning and I got a lot of support from my Strawberry Group on BOTB today! I've been feeling twinges in my abdomen and I had a ping in my left boob while I was teaching math today! I am wondering if these are "real" symptoms or the "made-up" kind. Since I guess I want to torture myself, I took a HPT today, but it was negative. I am trying not to lose hope since I am only 10 DPIUI. I think I will try to test again tomorrow. This is the longest wait EVER!!!!

The wait is killing me!

This 2ww (which is now the 1ww) is killing me!! I am thinking about this non-stop. I am really hoping my temp stays up, then I will have a triphasic chart! That, with the implantation dip, and the tiny little spot will have me for sure I am PG! Thank goodness my beta is getting closer! I don't think I can make it one day past Monday!

Thinking WAY too much.

Last night I could barely sleep because I found 2 tiny spotting spots on my undies! It was like 9pm last night, and my brain is going, "That was implantation spotting." So, the rest of the night I was thinking there was a little eggie tryin to stick! That coupled with the temp dip yesterday, I've got high hopes now for this cycle, and I don't to get my hopes up. When I get high hopes I just crash harder when I get AF. I did test today and got a BFN, which I was hoping for. Now I know the trigger shot is completely out of my system. I put in a couple dummy temps for the next couple days and if they stay up I will have a triphasic chart too!! I wonder what my temps will do the next couple nights. However, this really is the first time I have ever (and I mean ever) had spotting especially at that time. The 2 little spots I had I wonder ever constitutes a "spot" and when I wiped there was nothing, so I could be blowing this whole thing out of proportion!! I get so obsessed with things, whether it is TTC or buying a car or whatever, that I wish I could let it go. But, NO! I'm an idiot!

As for work today, it was a CRAZY day. There weren't enough subs, so I ended up taking both 4th grade classes this morning. Thank goodness a sub showed up at 10:30! I was running around all day and didn't even get a chance to sit hardly at all today. And to top it off, this week is my duty week and it has been NASTY windy. YUCK! There is a PTO meeting tonight and I'm DITCHING!!! YEA! Denise is going for me. I have no excuse not to go, I just don't want to. My kids have been better than last week, but little Alisha is spending the next week in the office during her lunch time. The end of the school year can't come fast enough!

I CAN'T wait until Friday. DH and I are going to Denver for a Pinball conference and also going to a Rockies game!! This week can't go fast enough.

My 1st entry

Well, considering that I've read several places how journaling can help ease the stresses of life I have decided to create a Blog. I'm not going to go into all my background. This is not for anybody really to read for entertainment purposes. This is just for me to get my thoughts out onto the computer. Anyway, I am now 7 days past my IUI. I had a HUGE temp dip in my chart, but I don't want to put too much into it. I've had it before and it meant nothing. I am sooooo tired of this stupid waiting game. I am going to test tomorrow, and I should be getting a BFN, then that means that the trigger shot is completely out of my system. I think I am going to test every other day. I've asked a lot of other girls about testing before their beta, and a lot of them said they do it. I don't think I want to wait and put all my eggs into one basket, one day, one test. Tomorrow, I will test in the morning. I am wondering what my temp will do. Knowing myself I will probably wake up several times, checking to closk, to see if it is time to temp and I'll mess up any reading that might be accurate! I guess I'll wait and see.