Had my follow up appointment yesterday

It actually wasn't too bad. I didn't even cry which I thought for sure I would. I only teared up when the doctor asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm ok, but disappointed" and that is when I teared up. We talked about why it didn't work, and he said it was probably due to embryo quality. When the embryos were frozen, they were 6 day blasts when most embryos only take 5 days to get to blast. So, they were a little behind to begin with, plus when they thawed neither were beginning to expand. When we did our first transfer, of the 2 we transferred, 1 was a regular blast and 1 was an expanding blast. We got pg with one, so I guess in order for me to get pg we must need to transfer an expanding blast. We asked about maybe doing IUI instead, and the doctor said we could, but we would probably be wasting time and money. He thinks that the small amount of endo I have is somehow interfering with the sperm meeting the egg and he thinks it really wouldn't make a difference with the IUI. He thinks that the eggs and sperm need to be put together - like in IVF. Basically, if we want to have another child, then we need to do a fresh IVF. The good news is since this will be our second IVF cycle, we get a 25% discount. That is huge when we are talking thousands of dollars. It would be around $12,000, but again with no guarantee. I have to get a blood test to check my cycle day 3 hormone levels before we proceed. We did them back in 05' and everything was normal, but since it was so long ago he wants to repeat it. If the levels come back abnormal, then no IVF and all and we are finished. The doctor said it would be hard to achieve a pregnancy with abnormal numbers. If things are ok, we are fine to proceed. If we decide to do another IVF, it will probably be next year. We are planning on going to Las Vegas in November, and if we start a cycle with my next AF, it wouldn't be complete but the time we leave, and I don't think the doctor will start a cycle in December. It is a tough decision. It is so expensive, it is so hard on my body and emotions, I have to have surgery, and in the end it might not even work. Then we are $12,000 more in debt with nothing but heartache to show for it. This last BFN has really done a job on me. I have been so depressed. I knew it would be hard if we got a negative, but I had no clue it would affect me this much. It is almost like I am going through some sort of mourning process. I'm not sure I could get over another BFN if we do a fresh. I guess we have some time to decide, but I've been hashing though all of this in my mind, non-stop since our BFN. It's like I can't get over it.