It's official! I am PREGNANT!!!

I can't believe I am writing this. After getting a couple positive home pregnancy tests yesterday and this morning, I went a day early to get my blood test. It came back positive!

8dp5dt=86.5

The nurse said that was a pretty high number considering I went in a day early. I will go back on Monday for a repeat beta test to make sure my levels are rising, and I think my first ultrasound will be June 24! I have started a new blog, so I think this might be my last entry for this blog. My IVF journey was a crazy time and I want to keep this out there for others who may be going through the same thing. My new baby blog is...

http://reedbaby.blogspot.com/

I'm the luckiest woman alive!

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I just got a BFP this morning!!!!! Well, like I said, that last HPT didn't make it to Friday! The only problem is I looked at it past the 5 minute window. However, I still had the one from Monday in the trash (ok, I know I'm gross!!!), but compared to the one from Monday, there is definitely a line! I can't believe it. I didn't tell DH I was going to test. When I looked again and saw the line, I went to get DH and told him, "Honey, I think there is something you should see." I showed it to him, he saw the line too, and then I started to cry. I still don't know what to think. It is so hard to believe after 18 cycles of nothing. I am going out today to buy some more HPTs, but DH says I should just wait until my beta on Friday. I am still a little worried about a chemical PG or a miscarriage, but I can't worry about that. I have to think that at least I can get PG!!! It is dream. Now I can look at baby stuff and not feel guilty!

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Update: BFP on digital too! I called the RE's office and moved my beta to tomorrow morning! Here is a pic of my bfp!!

Bad, Bad Me!!!!

Ok, I caved! I don't even want to admit it, but I caved and did an HPT this morning. BFN! Well, I am only 5dp5dt, so it still is very early, but darn! I did the terrible thing that every woman experiencing infertility has done, I went back and looked at the darn thing about an hour later. Squeezing my eyesight, it looked like a faint line, but I think I am kidding myself, plus it was WAY passed the 2 minute time frame. I have one more test left, and I really don't know what to do. This morning I was just going to throw the damn thing out so it wouldn't taunt me, but now I am wondering if I should keep it for Friday morning. My problem is I don't think it will make it to Friday. I am sooo weak! I guess I should just throw it away; it wasn't an expensive one, just a cheapie off the Internet. I've been a little crampy, and really trying not to put too much into it. My boobs are a little sore, but I think that is from the PIO. I was having lots of horrible heartburn, but that is better. I still have it a little, but nothing like a few days ago. Tomorrow is the 4th of July, and the big swimming party at my parent's house. The RE said no swimming, so it really is going to be hard. I am always a swimmer on the 4th, especially for our annual water volleyball game. I know everyone will be asking me why I'm not swimming. We haven't really told my family about the IVF, just a few that needed to know or my really close family. I am going to have to lie because I just think I am ready to tell everyone. I know they would be supportive, but I don't want to have everyone tell me to "Just Relax" or all the other stupid things family says that pisses me off even though I know they are just trying to be nice. I don't want to hear my family say, "Just adopt, then for sure you will get pregnant." I think I will go with the "ear infection" lie. Told DH and we will be on the same lie. Just need to talk to my parents and brother so we can have a plan! On a related but different subject, I have a friend on one of the message boards that I am on that went through the IVF cycle just about the same time as I did. I am really hoping she gets her BFP, but at the same time I am afraid she will get her BFP and I won't and be left out again. It just seems like I have made so many friends with girls that have been TTC, and they have all gotten PG and went on and left me behind. I don't want to be left behind!!

The DAMN hpts are calling me!

This sucks. I am going crazy and I still have 6 more days until beta! DH and I went to the grocery store and we went down the isle of HPTs! I stopped and stared! Dh asked me what I was staring at, and I pointed to those EVIL htps sitting on the shelf taunting me! I asked DH if I should get one, and he replied,"No! You only have 6 more days." DAMN HIM AND HIS FAITH IN ME!!!! grrrrrrr I did find 2 old cheapie tests in my drawer. Even now they are calling to me!! I'm going to do my best to leave them alone!! Today I guess you can say I am sure that this IVF didn't work. I know there are days all IVFers think the cycle is a failure, and I guess today is my day. Tonight we are having my parents over for dinner. Maybe that will get my mind off of things.

2WW Begins!

The 2WW is really boring. Nothing to report like the last few weeks. I found a picture of DH and I at Easter so I figured I'd add it. It was taken at our church in front of a beautiful flower cross.

2 Blasts now in my tummy!!

ET was yesterday. The procedure was supposed to be a 12:30, but things were running late and we didn't even get in until like 1:15! They told us to be there 45 minutes early, so by the time I was rolled back for the transfer we had been waiting for an hour and fifteen minutes! While we were waiting we talked a little, sat silently for a while, and played the games on our cell phones! I tell ya, it was a completely memorable experience! Before they rolled me back, they told us how the embryos had done. Out of the 11 eggs retrieved, only 2 made it to blasts. The clinic doesn't grade them, but we were told they looked great. They also said if the others get to a blast, they will freeze them. While I was on the table, the RE asked if I wanted a "Margarita" to help ease my fears. My DH said, "YES!!! She wants the Margarita!" They gave it to me and boy did I start feeling good! I was so glad that I had the Margarita because the RE had troubles! A 15 minute procedure took like 30! He had trouble getting through the cervix, and my DH said he even got out a needle and thread! I was so loopy and kept my eyes closed the entire time, that I had no clue what was going one. All I knew is that it was kinda taking forever, but it was not near as painful as the Mock or my IUI. After all was said and done, they took me to recovery where I laid, head down feet up, for an hour. All I wanted to do was sleep, and I felt sorry for my DH! We barely spoke a word. How boring for him! I was so glad he was with me for it! We came home and I immediately went to bed. I was (and still am) on bed rest. I slept about 2 hours and woke up for dinner, laid on the couch, and went to bed. This morning I am feeling really good. It is hard for me to think that I have 2 possible lives in me! Too bad we weren't able to get pictures of our blasts! We asked the RE, and he said they don't have that type of equipment, and that if we would donate the $7000 needed to buy it he would. I was thinking, hey we are already paying you $12,000!! Oh well, I guess I will just have to guess what they look like. Like me or like DH? DH, he's cuter!!

From 8 to 5!

Yep, unfortunately 3 of our multi-cell life forms have decided not to grow! I was pretty bummed, but I guess that 5 is still good. It will only take 1 right? As for the dreaded PIO last night, it was GREAT!! Well, as great as a shot can be. It only hurt a teeny tiny bit first going in and then nothing! I wasn't even sore today. I think before and after heat is a good thing!

TOMORROW IS THE DAY!!!! 5 day transfer!!
Transfer is scheduled at 12:30! We need to be there 45 minutes early and need to plan to stay an hour after the procedure is done. I can't believe that all this work has lead up to one day!! It kinda reminds me of a wedding. Months of planning all coming together on one special day! Tomorrow is our day! I am a little nervous about it hurting since the mock and my IUI were no fun at all. I asked the RE about getting some valium for the procedure and he said they don't use it. I guess I won't worry about it. This could be one of the most important days in our lives!

PIO = OUCH

Last night was our first PIO shot, can someone say, "THAT HURTS!!!!"? Yikes! That was one of the most painful shots I have ever had in my life!! I think I scared DH, because when he first poked me, I jumped, yelled ouch, and started crying! I told him to do it again, and I promised I wouldn't move. We make it through, but I still cry afterwards and wonder how in the heck I am going to make it for (hopefully) 10-14 more weeks! So, this morning I call and leave a message with the RE about getting me some numbing cream. Well, they call me back and say they want me to come in so see where we gave the injection! Oh, now that is great, I get to drive an hour one way so they can look at my butt!! So, I talk to my coworkers and tell them I have to leave for an unexpected Dr's appointment. I drive up there, the entire appointment takes 5 minutes, and they tell me we did it too low. This time, the nurse draws circles on my butt to show DH exactly where to give it!! Then, I get to drive an hour home. On one hand, I am glad to know these aren't supposed to hurt that bad, so I might, just might, be able to get through these. On the other hand, I can't believe they just didn't draw a circle on my butt at the ER! Oh well, at least we know what we did wrong and how to fix it. As for our "muti-cell life forms", we still have our 8 and they are looking great - 6-8 cells! Wednesday is for sure the transfer, but I will find out the exact time tomorrow. I am feeling a lot better today. I'm not feeling as bloated, and the plumbing is getting better. I did go to the store and buy anything that said fiber on it! hehehe I am getting excited about the transfer. I think I will consider myself pregnant after the transfer (but that is my own little secret!)

We lost an embie today :-(

Today's fertilization report was that we lost one embie. That still leaves us with 8 good ones, but something in me is kinda depressed about losing the one. It is like one of our possible kids won't be around. It sucks. I'm feeling a little better physically, but still pretty bloated. (TMI coming). I've kinda been stopped up today, so I might need to invest in a fiber rich diet!! That may be some of my bloat! Hopefully, I will feel better tomorrow and get things a movin downstairs before I have to go back to work!

We start our PIO shots tonight. 8:00 PM! I'm not looking forward to it, well, like anyone does. I've never really been scared of needles like some people are, but I guess it could just be nerves of the unknown. I better get used to them. I am planning on needing them for 10-14 weeks to come!!

Today is my cousin's baby shower. I sent my regrets along with a Wal-Mart gift card! I've been avoiding her ever since I found out she was PG. I feel really guilty for avoiding her, but it is all self preservation! She is young, not married, and probably will have trouble supporting the baby, but maybe she will be a great mother and I am just jealous. Who said life is fair though, right?

Day after retrieval = UGH!

Well, I guess I am not one of the lucky ones that ER is a breeze. Yesterday and today has me feeling pretty much like shit. I am still very bloated and some pain right under my belly button. I am wondering if it is OHSS, but probably more likely that I am just a total wuss. I took my temp, and it was 99.0. I'm just going to keep an eye on myself, and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. Now, for the good news...

FERTILIZATION REPORT
Retrieved 11 eggs yesterday
5 were ICSIed and 6 were naturally IVFed
4 of the ICSI fertilized
5 of the Natural fertilized
So, out of the 11, we have 9 that fertilized!!
Tomorrow we will get a call to see how our "multi-celled life forms" are doing.

DH was so cute when I told him the results. He was dancing around the house going, "WooHoo!!!" We both were very nervous about the fertilization. Since we are labeled "unexplained" we thought that maybe we had egg quality issues or fertilization issues. Guess not! So, that is one hurdle we have jumped. So, now the next hurdle is embryo growing. One day at a time, and hopefully we will have some strong multi-cell life forms!! I am just hoping to start feeling better. Something in me wonders if something is wrong in there, but I thought the same thing after my lap. I just need to give myself some time to heal. I am hoping I will feel up to working Monday. Also, if we end up doing a 3 day transfer, I really don't want to feel like shit for that!

Now, on a personal note, my DH got a promotion at work!! YES!! He has been working at the same company for over 5 years as a project worker. Today he found out that he is now a full-time employee!! Nothing much changes other than now he will get 3 weeks of vacation instead of 2. I am so incredibally proud of him. He works very hard for the company - like right now. Their server went out, and he has worked 13 day straight and some days more than 8 hours. He has wanted this promotion ever since we started seeing each other, and I am so happy for him!!! Yeah for my DH!!!!

Got 11 eggs!

It is done! Thank goodness! I was dreading this part ever since we decided to do IVF. It wasn't too bad, a lot like my lap in March. I wasn't too nervous until they put in the IV (which was really not bad at all). I remember going to the surgery room, getting on the table, and closing my eyes trying to do deep breaths to calm my nerves a bit. After a couple breaths, I tried to open my eyes and thought, "Wow, it is kinda hard to keep my eyes open." I was out!! When I was coming too, I can remember the tube in my throat. It seemed to be in a little too far because I was having trouble swallowing, and when they took the tube out I know I was drooling all over the place! Ewwwww. Got back to recovery, and started feeling quite a bit of pain. The nurse gave me something I can't remember what though, and she gave me some anti-nausea stuff with it. Started to feel a little better, but it didn't last very long. I was FREEZING in the recovery room. I could see the thermostat on the wall ~ set at 68!!! No wondering, we keep our house at a comfortable 77! I probably could have gone home sooner, but I needed to finish the bag of fluid in my IV first. Got in the car, and was feeling pretty good. Was pretty talkative on the way home, but once home was getting more tired. DH left for work and I went in the bedroom to nap. About an hour later, got up to pee and came into the living room and got on the computer (like right now!). Right now I am feeling ok. I was feeling a little nauseous, but better now. I still have some cramps and the worst part now is my sore throat. I still think they put the tube in too far or scratched my throat somehow. Now is the waiting. Wait, wait, wait. Tomorrow I will get the fertilization report. We are doing half ICSI and the other half regular. We are hoping the regulars do better, but since we are "unexplained" we aren't sure whether or not that is where are problem is. I am betting the 2 old guys (the two largest follicles) are too old to fert, so I'm hoping for like 7 good ones. That would leave us plenty to use and plenty to freeze for a later child! Now, I am ready to rest. I wish I was feeling a little better, but considering what I have gone through today, things are pretty good!

Tomorrow is the day!

I can't believe the ER is tomorrow! I hope I get a lot of good quality eggs - nice and mature! Last night, I did the trigger right when I was supposed to, so hoping that it releases my eggs at the right time! Tonight, I've been trying to clean up the house so when I get back tomorrow from the ER, I will come home to a nice clean house. I am by myself tonight as DH is working a 2-10 shift. He will be working that tomorrow too, so my Mom said she would stay at my house to kinda keep an eye on me. I am kinda looking forward to getting this done! I've been waiting for it so long that it will be a nice relief to get it past me. Since we are an hour from the surgery center, DH will have to collect his sample at the clinic. We weren't sure if they would have any "supplemental literature" to help him out, so today I went and bought him 2 magazines (kinda embarrassing)!!

Egg Retrevial on FRIDAY!!! WooHoo!!

After today's appointment, the RE has decided I am ready for my ER!! I got a bunch of information from the doctor, and think I am ready! I do my trigger at 9:00 PM tonight and also my Lupron at 8:00 PM; NO FOLLISTIM!! Yea!

Day 10 update!

Stimming Day 10: Yet, another ultrasound and blood draw today. Ultrasound didn't show much difference. I guess the eggs grew about 1mm, and after the ultra the RE stood there a while trying to decide what to do. So, he decided to have me go back tomorrow for another look, and to keep the 5iu of Lupron and 100 of Follistim. I am out of Menopur and only have like 2 more syringes for my Lupron. I've got maybe 3-4 more days of the Follistim. RE also said that my ER will probably be Thursday now, instead of Wednesday. I was kinda disappointed, but I don't really know why. I've got to remember, it only takes one really good embryo to become my son/daughter!

Feeling: Pretty crappy today. It is like one day good-one day bad-one day good-one day bad-etc! Feeling a little better now than I did this morning. My emotions are kinda out of whack today. Feeling depressed and want to cry for no big reason at all. Maybe I am just nervous about the ER, nervous about how many good quality eggs they get, worried about if they will fertilize, worried about how I will feel about ER, worried about if this is going to be a huge waste of money in time or THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE!!! Oh, I hope it it the later!!

Day 9 update!

Stimming Day 9: Another trip to the RE for blood and ultra. Still didn't get my E2 levels, but I did get a glance at my chart today and in the chart is a graph where E2 levels should be, and even though I didn't get my exact numbers I am in the "good" area. My ultrasound today was good. I have 1 follie at 19 1/2, but the rest are like 15/16. RE said that we will need to sacrifice the large one so the others can mature to 17-20. I have to go back tomorrow for another ultrasound and more blood. Hopefully, the 15/16s will have grown a little today and are the right size.

Feeling: Pretty good today. My bloat is hardly even here today, but I do have one of those tiny annoying headaches I've been getting almost every day. I freaked out this morning when I noticed a lot of EWCM! I thought for sure I was ovulating and screwing everything up! I was even in tears. Come to find out, that with these high hormone levels, the ewcm is plentiful! It was just really weird since I NEVER get that with a natural cycle.

The RE said that my retrieval might be Thursday now, but he will know more tomorrow. This is going to be a tough week!

Day 7 update!

Stimming Day 7: Another day of blood and today an ultrasound! Didn't get my E2#, but the office leaves early on Friday. The ultrasound was very cool! I've got about 4 13mm, 2 12mm, and few others! I think there were about 10 eggs, even though they aren't all good sizes. My left ovary seems to be producing larger and more than the right, but there are still quite a few on the right. I asked about Valium for the ET and was told that they normally don't do it, but if I need it he will prescribe it. Kinda makes me keel like a baby, so I guess I will just suck it up and do it without the valium! Asked the doctor about when he thought the ER would be, and he said probably still Wednesday!! WOW!! That's like 5 days away!

Feeling: Actually, I've been feeling better lately. Minor headache today, but feeling better. Still bloating a bit, but seems a little better. My emotions have kinda changed from wanting to cry at everything to having a very short fuse! Don't look at me the wrong way or tickle me, because then I won't speak to you for at least an hour! Ahhh, love those hormonal drugs!

I can't believe the ER is getting so close. I only have like 4 more vials of Menopur! That means, like only 4 more days of shots!! WooHoo! I was really nervous about the PIO shots, but after having to do 3 a day, 1 PIO shot that I don't even have to do myself is sounding more doable! This whole process is pretty amazing!

Day 5 update

Stimming Day5: Today I went in for my E2 levels. They were at 165 where is exactly where they want them to be - so good news! I will continue on the same meds. My next appointment is on Friday - EARLY Friday @ 7:40 AM meaning we will have to leave here at 6:30AM! That will be an early morning. I will get my first ultrasound since the baseline. It will be interesting to see what is going on in there.

Feeling: Pretty yucky today. I have started to bloat quite a bit. My big pants are starting to feel tight. I started off the day feeling nauseous, but feeling a little better now. I didn't even go to work today. My ovaries are starting to feel bigger, and when the nurse called about my meds I asked her about BD. She said we could, but to be gentle! Don't know how DH will like that! Emotionally, I've been a wreck! I hate myself lately because I just can't seem to control my emotions. Hmmm? This is going to be a long week!

Day 3 update

Stimming Day 3: Went today for bloodwork (E2 at 30), and I will stay on the same dosage of meds until Wed (which is my next appointment). Tired of the shots already, but I will keep doing them like I am supposed to.

Feeling: Ok, not great. I've had a terrible headache today. Tylenol took care of it. Getting more emotional lately. Ready to cry at the drop of a hat and very short fuse today. I wish I wouldn't think about this IVF 24/7.

1 Day down, about 9 more to go!

Stimming Day 1: Well, I did all 3 shots and the baby aspirin! I did cry a little with the Menopur since it seemed like a lot harder to do than the other shots. However, with a little nudge of encouragment from my DH, I did it!

Feeling: Pretty good. A little light headed today at Wal-Mart, but nothing too bad. Follistim burned a little going in (more than the others). Will be glad to get rid of these headaches from the Lupron only. I think with the others added to the Lupron, my headaches should go away.

I'm going to do my best at taking this one day at a time and one shot at a time. I'm not sure I have enough Lupron, but I am only doing 5 units now and I'm not sure how long I will be needing to take it. My next appointment is Monday and it is just for blood. Hopefully they will see some good numbers (which I wouldn't even know if they told me!)

Everything is a GO!!! Let the stimming begin ~ Well, on Saturday!

My RE appointement today was good. I had baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. My lining was nice and thin and haven't heard anything about the bloodwork. We then talked with the IVF nurse about the next part of my schedule and how to do my next shots. I will be doing 1 vial of Meopur AM, 5 units of Lupron PM, and 100 Follistim PM. That seems like a lot lower dosage of meds than I've heard other girls taking. Anyway... She showed me how to mix the Menopur and a refresher on the Follistim pen. I start the injections on Saturday and go in on Monday just for bloodwork. It seems like such a waste to drive an hour 1 way for a 5 minute blood draw. I asked if I could do it at my own Dr's office, but they said they like to run all their own labs, which I guess is kinda good. What sucks is Monday they wanted me to come in between 8-9, but it is the first day of summer school. I talked them into a 10:00 appointment, but I may have to wait for an opening. I just hope 1 hour in the morning at summer school will be good enough to kinda get things going. Oh well, what can I do? She also said I would do approx. 10 days of stims with my ER somewhere around June 21st! That will be here sooner than I think. It seems like I've been kinda down the last few days, which I think is from the Lupron, but after today's appointment I'm feeling pretty good about things!

Feeling Down Tonight

I'm not sure why, but I am feeling down tonight. I don't know if it is because of IVF stuff or summer school stress. The whole day I just felt like crying and even now that I'm home I just feel like going to bed (and it is only 7:30). I'm tired and depressed. Maybe it is more of a summer school issue than IVF now that I really think of it. DAMNED expensive IVF! If we didn't have to do IVF, then we wouldn't need the money, and I would have a nice summer break off. That is one of the perks of being a teacher. Grrrr.

Hello AF, Hello Cycle #19

What a strange day of AF. It started off last night when I started to spot. Every night I start to spot=AF in the morning. Well, not this time. The whole day consisted me going to the bathroom a million times checking the TP. I started feeling big time cramps and still nothing until about 3 hours ago. HELLO! TMI - I'm still not flowing much, but I've heard that can happen with the BCP/Lupron protocol. Of course, tomorrow I might be flowin like a river! I am kinda looking forward to my RE appointment on Thursday. I feel I am ready to move on to the next phase and to get a date (which I know can change) for ER/ET. Every once in a while the thought of me being PG in 4 weeks gets me excited, followed directly thinking - "Naaa, nothing has worked so far!" I just hope I respond well to the stimms and wasn't overly suppressed. Of course, 19 is my favorite number, and since my Aunt Wendy has been diagnosed with cancer, I would love to have some good news for my family!

Tomorrow is the beginning training session for summer school. I also have to go back to school to get my principal's signature so I can send in my application to renew my teaching license! Wow! I've had my license for 6 years. I can't believe I've been teaching that long. I hope this new curriculum is OK with Jim since I didn't even call him. Oh well, I guess he should have made the meeting on Wednesday!

How am I going to make it?

Last night was a hard night on Lupron. The night before's shot was terribly painful, so last night when I was giving myself the injection I started to cry. I just couldn't seem to get the courage to poke myself. I sat there crying saying, "I don't think I can do this tonight." My DH, bless his heart, kept telling me, "You can do it honey." And finally, I did it through the tears. It didn't hurt as much as the night before but I did bleed a little. How on earth am I going to make it? I have about another week of Lupron and then I add the Follistim AND the Menopur (which I've heard stings). How am I going to make it? I sure hope this next part of my cycle goes fast. I am guessing I will start AF in the next couple of days. I really don't know what I will do if this doesn't work. I have put so much time, money, and effort into it, it just has to. Also, when I was thinking about things, if AF does come, that would mean this IVF cycle will be on Cycle #19, and 19 just happens to be my favorite number. I hope I can make it!

Ok, freaking out a little tonight.

Tonight when I was giving myself the Lupron injection I leaked out the inj site! It was quite a bit; enough to kinda run down my tummy. I am wondering what I did wrong. I am going to call the RE tomorrow and ask, but for tonight I'm kinda nervous about it. There is so much riding on this IVF cycle that I don't want to do anything to screw it up!

Let the shots begin!!

I was thinking tonight how many shots I will be giving myself over the next month. I will do Lupron all the way until my ER, and then I will add Follistim and Menopur when I start stimming (which will be 3 DAMN shots a day). I am not the kind of person to freak out over needles or faint at the sight of blood or anything like that, but I can say I am not the queen of giving myself shots! I am thinking I will be getting AF next week when I stop taking BCP. My baseline ultrasound is June 8th, and that kinda seems like a long way away. It's funny to think that I could be pregnant in July! WOW!

Start Lupron injections tomorrow

Well, this IVF is starting to get more and more real. I will start my Lupron injections tomorrow. Now that I am starting my injections, this IVF is now a reality instead of just something we are "going" to do. I am a little nervous about having to use the vials and syringes instead of just a pen like I used for my Follistim. We got our financing, but now have to pay the first payment of $400 by June 13, which is weird since we really haven't had any expenses yet. Oh well, I'll give them a call tomorrow.

School has slowed down a bit. The kids and the teachers are very ready for June 1st! :-) I am counting the days! 7 days left! WooHoo!!

It's been a crazy week! (and it is only Wed)

It has been a few days since I have posted, but it has been really busy at work. We have had the 3rd/4th grade musical, Terra Nova testing, field trips, and writing trainings! I am so glad the end of the school year is getting close. I am a little worried about teaching summer school and my upcoming IVF cycle. I will have to miss about a week because of ER and ET and there are only 6 weeks of school. I am hoping I can just talk to the facilitators, confide in them about my IVF, and hopefully they can kinda cover for me. One facilitator is my Mom, and she is so good I bet she could handle both schools. Maybe I can talk to the teachers at my school and see if they can handle things without me for a week. I think being late for monitoring appointments would probably be fine, it is that long week. I am looking forward to my RE appointment next Wednesday. I was a little bummed that I didn't get my protocol over the phone when I called earlier in the week, but I guess there is a lot to go over. I am also going to see if I can meet with the financial person and apply for a loan. I had my mock transfer when DH and I went up last week. It was pretty awful. I also had the sonohsytergraphy (saline test) at the same time. It was pretty bad since I really wasn't expecting to do those tests, but now that they are done I am happy! The RE said again my uterus was "beautiful" and he also sounded pretty optomistic, which in turn has me optomistic. He also said we have a 50% chance for twins! That has got me pretty freaked out! Sounds kinda cool, but then reality of twins (cost and the thought of 2 babies) has got me nervous. But, 2 for the price of one does kinda sound good too! I guess I just want to be PG no matter it that means 1 or 2!

Boring night all by myself

I am sitting here all by myself and bored!!! Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored! DH is currently on the road bringing home the broken Juke Box that he is going to fix up. He won't be home until very late, so I am trying to enjoy my solitude, but I'm not. I've been really cranky today! I don't know if I'm just still tired or hormonal from the BCP. I tell you, I am tired of being cranky one minute and then crying the next. I can't wait until I start to feel like myself, but if I do get PG from the IVF, I will have all the PG hormones and then a baby so I think it might be time to say goodbye to my old self. I guess I just kinda have to find my new self. I guess my new self is no longer a musicain. I have quit my job as principal flute for the city band and have also quit my job as choir director at my church. Even though I am a little sad about leaving, I also feel a great deal of relief! I now have the weekends to do anything I want! I haven't had the weekends to myself for like 5 years!!! I am almost temped to go to other churches to see what they are about. I am still feeling very lost. Still looking forward to our appointment on Thursday. After our appointment, we will go to DH's sisters so he can fix their Ms. PacMan machine. Thinking we might run into my inlaws.

Why does it seem like everyone but me can get PG?

Another tough night for me. I think it is a combination of the hormones from the BCPs and the fact that I had hardly any sleep last night and a field trip today. I am exhaused and everything seems 10 times worse when you are tired. Tomorrow DH is going to go pick up a broken jukebox, and you really don't want to get me started talking about that!! Not only am I still upset about everything, tired as can be, but I also got home to my dog peeing on the carpet!!!! AARRGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I've been reading all the posts on BOTB and TTC6+ and every person but me seems to get getting PG. I am truly happy for all those getting BFPs, but at the same time I'm insanely jealous!!! When will it be my turn?

Another tough day for me

Well, today was my regular Sunday, which means going to church to direct the choir. I have been directing the choir for over a year now, but not really been wanting to do it much. Today was a bad service. I guess I should say that ever since my BFN from IUI#1, I've been struggling with my faith. I've been going back between thinking that there is no God at all, or the fact that God hates me or is punishing me for something. I did not want to set foot in the church at all today, but I kept thinking that it is my job, and treating it more like a job. Unfortunately, todays entire service was about children. The straw that broke the camel's back was when we started to sing "Jesus Loves Me". I couldn't take it and ended up just walking out of the service. I have NEVER done that in my life. I went around the back of the church and put my robe and stoll in the church office and took off. I didn't know where to go. I didn't have my purse, so no car keys and no paper or pencil to leave a note to DH and Mom where I was going. I ended up just walking around the streets where the church it. I was back a little later than I thought I would be (about 10 minutes after the service was over). I didn't mean to worry DH and Mom, but I just couldn't be there any more. I have decided to ask for a medical leave while we are still struggling with this infertility shit. I know once I start my meds for IVF and the stress going with that, that I totally will not want to have the stress of church on top of it. I have written a letter that I will email to the church secretary and hopefully she will pass it to the people who need to read it. It is a hard decision, but I feel better already about it. I just need some time for myself and not to feel guilty for putting myself ahead of others for once in my life.

Thursday is never going to get here!

Thursday is our meeting with the RE to finialize all the IVF stuff. I want to know when I will start the drugs, what drugs I will be taking, and when my ER and ET will be. I am a planner and really want to know.

Started BCP!

It is so weird to think that I am taking birth control! Nothing much to report today. Walgreen's screwed up my prescription! Stupid people! They had me under "Lisa Reed". So, I had to call the RE's office and Walgreens and finally they got it all taken care of. I've had IVF on my mind a lot. Oh - there is a surprise! hehehe I am a little worried that we may be rushing into things fast, but that is what we did when we got engaged. Everything just seems right. I've had 2 of the pre-IVF procedures already and we will be getting some of our medication donated to us! It just seems right. And, I was thinking that if the IVF doesn't work then I can focus myself on adoption. This month after month of disappointment is killing me!!

I'm tired of thinking too much.

It seems like ever since I got AF at the beginning of Sunday evening, I have been thinking non-stop about babies, TTC, and everything having to do with both. I was so devistated with AF that Sunday night and Monday was spent basically mourning and then Monday night semi-excited about starting IVF. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster!! Then to top it off, school is CRAZY because of the stupid 3rd/4th grade musical. I've been teaching the music to the kids, and I'm not even the music teacher. And to add insult to injury, we get to miss the next 2 weeks of plan times just to practice this stupid play! It seems like I've got too much on my plate and since I've gotten home from work the only thing I can do is sit on the couch like a slug! I am sooooo tired from having 2 nights of barely any sleep and didn't sleep well this weekend. Can someone just knock me out tonight so I can have a good nights rest like in 4 days? I am more ready for the end of this school year than I think I have been in the last 5 years (only excluding my first year teaching)!!! We have a meeting with our RE next Thursday to go over all the IVF stuff, and I am supposed to start taking BCP tomorrow. The whole IVF process is a little overwhelming - well, a lot overwhelming, but if we end up with a child it will be worth it in the end. I am trying to decide who I want to tell about this. I am thinking maybe only Mom and Mindy. I think I will leave the church and school families out of the loop this time.

Moving on to plan B - IVF

After spending a day off of work because I just couldn't deal with getting AF and being around rotten kids, I am feeling a little better now. Considering I cried for probably about 5 hours, I have control over my emotions now. I had to go in for my beta anyway, and of course it turned out negative. They had to check for an ectopic. My levels were 0, so not even a chemical pg. Anyway... DH and I had a great talk. We went out for dinner and discussed what we would do next. We decided that we will be trying IVF in June!! HOLY SH*T!!! I did talk to the RE's office about getting some info on IVF, and Kelly from the office called me right before we left for dinner. They had a patient donate some meds, so it looks like this first attempt will cost us $10,000. With my summer school job, mom and dad hopefully giving is $2000 and is selling our Ford Mustang, I think we can do one try without credit. If it comes to 2 tries, then we will hit up his parents and my aunt and uncle. I think we will only try 2 times, and after that move on to adoption. I am going to call the RE tomorrow to see about getting an appointment to talk to Dr. Silverstein about moving on to IVF. I asked Kelly if it is strange just trying IUI once and then moving on to IVF, but she said it wasn't strange at all and a lot of women do it. It is a big step, but one I think we are ready for!

No baby for us in 2006, just got AF. LIFE SUCKS!!!

Yep, came home from our very nice weekend away to AF. I'm crushed. Been crying most of the night and dreading having to call my Mom becuase I know I will just start to cry again. There is no need for me to even go got my beta done at all. I can't take this disappointment much longer. And the hardest thing of all this, is I'm losing my faith in God. I can't believe I am even saying that, but I am. I am ready to quit my job at the church as choir director and not go anymore. The prayers from me and the prayers of my church family have been going unanswered. And, yes, there is all that talk that God must not think it is the "Right" time for us. Screw that!! We are loving people that would be great parents!! Tell me it is the right time for an unwed 15 year old to have a child. Tell me it is right timing when I call parents of my students that couldn't care less about how their child is doing in school. Tell me it is the right timing when DH and I end up possibly spending $100,000 on infertility treatments that don't work (already did $1500). Tell me it is right timing when I am sticking myself every night with needles. Tell me it is right timing when I have to take many days off of work for ultrasounds and when if I do get pregnant won't have enough days off so I can stay home with my child. Tell me it is right timing when I feel like a failure every time I get AF. Tell me it is right timing when everytime DH and I make love, it isn't "love" at all, it is based on drugs and what the doctors tell us! Tell me it is right timing when I wish I was DEAD!!!

A down day for me today.

Well, today started off badly. It all started with taking my temp this morning for my chart. If it was 98.1or higher, then FF said my chart was possibly triphasic!! And, of course when I took it this morning it was 97.9. I was not happy and figured there MUST be something wrong with my thermom! (Ya, right - grasping at straws or what?) So, about 10 minutes later I take it again and it is now 98.1! And, another 5 minutes later it is 98.3! I am DRIVING myself crazy with these stupid temps! After all this temping crap, I am lying in bed, thinking, "God hates me! I am quiting church! I wish I was dead." This is not exactly a great way to wake up. About an hour later, I get up, take a shower, and go to work. I guess I kinda came back to reality when I got to work. The mind plays funny tricks on me. I am not as depressed as this morning and I got a lot of support from my Strawberry Group on BOTB today! I've been feeling twinges in my abdomen and I had a ping in my left boob while I was teaching math today! I am wondering if these are "real" symptoms or the "made-up" kind. Since I guess I want to torture myself, I took a HPT today, but it was negative. I am trying not to lose hope since I am only 10 DPIUI. I think I will try to test again tomorrow. This is the longest wait EVER!!!!

The wait is killing me!

This 2ww (which is now the 1ww) is killing me!! I am thinking about this non-stop. I am really hoping my temp stays up, then I will have a triphasic chart! That, with the implantation dip, and the tiny little spot will have me for sure I am PG! Thank goodness my beta is getting closer! I don't think I can make it one day past Monday!

Thinking WAY too much.

Last night I could barely sleep because I found 2 tiny spotting spots on my undies! It was like 9pm last night, and my brain is going, "That was implantation spotting." So, the rest of the night I was thinking there was a little eggie tryin to stick! That coupled with the temp dip yesterday, I've got high hopes now for this cycle, and I don't to get my hopes up. When I get high hopes I just crash harder when I get AF. I did test today and got a BFN, which I was hoping for. Now I know the trigger shot is completely out of my system. I put in a couple dummy temps for the next couple days and if they stay up I will have a triphasic chart too!! I wonder what my temps will do the next couple nights. However, this really is the first time I have ever (and I mean ever) had spotting especially at that time. The 2 little spots I had I wonder ever constitutes a "spot" and when I wiped there was nothing, so I could be blowing this whole thing out of proportion!! I get so obsessed with things, whether it is TTC or buying a car or whatever, that I wish I could let it go. But, NO! I'm an idiot!

As for work today, it was a CRAZY day. There weren't enough subs, so I ended up taking both 4th grade classes this morning. Thank goodness a sub showed up at 10:30! I was running around all day and didn't even get a chance to sit hardly at all today. And to top it off, this week is my duty week and it has been NASTY windy. YUCK! There is a PTO meeting tonight and I'm DITCHING!!! YEA! Denise is going for me. I have no excuse not to go, I just don't want to. My kids have been better than last week, but little Alisha is spending the next week in the office during her lunch time. The end of the school year can't come fast enough!

I CAN'T wait until Friday. DH and I are going to Denver for a Pinball conference and also going to a Rockies game!! This week can't go fast enough.

My 1st entry

Well, considering that I've read several places how journaling can help ease the stresses of life I have decided to create a Blog. I'm not going to go into all my background. This is not for anybody really to read for entertainment purposes. This is just for me to get my thoughts out onto the computer. Anyway, I am now 7 days past my IUI. I had a HUGE temp dip in my chart, but I don't want to put too much into it. I've had it before and it meant nothing. I am sooooo tired of this stupid waiting game. I am going to test tomorrow, and I should be getting a BFN, then that means that the trigger shot is completely out of my system. I think I am going to test every other day. I've asked a lot of other girls about testing before their beta, and a lot of them said they do it. I don't think I want to wait and put all my eggs into one basket, one day, one test. Tomorrow, I will test in the morning. I am wondering what my temp will do. Knowing myself I will probably wake up several times, checking to closk, to see if it is time to temp and I'll mess up any reading that might be accurate! I guess I'll wait and see.