Another tough day for me

Well, today was my regular Sunday, which means going to church to direct the choir. I have been directing the choir for over a year now, but not really been wanting to do it much. Today was a bad service. I guess I should say that ever since my BFN from IUI#1, I've been struggling with my faith. I've been going back between thinking that there is no God at all, or the fact that God hates me or is punishing me for something. I did not want to set foot in the church at all today, but I kept thinking that it is my job, and treating it more like a job. Unfortunately, todays entire service was about children. The straw that broke the camel's back was when we started to sing "Jesus Loves Me". I couldn't take it and ended up just walking out of the service. I have NEVER done that in my life. I went around the back of the church and put my robe and stoll in the church office and took off. I didn't know where to go. I didn't have my purse, so no car keys and no paper or pencil to leave a note to DH and Mom where I was going. I ended up just walking around the streets where the church it. I was back a little later than I thought I would be (about 10 minutes after the service was over). I didn't mean to worry DH and Mom, but I just couldn't be there any more. I have decided to ask for a medical leave while we are still struggling with this infertility shit. I know once I start my meds for IVF and the stress going with that, that I totally will not want to have the stress of church on top of it. I have written a letter that I will email to the church secretary and hopefully she will pass it to the people who need to read it. It is a hard decision, but I feel better already about it. I just need some time for myself and not to feel guilty for putting myself ahead of others for once in my life.