Bad, Bad Me!!!!

Ok, I caved! I don't even want to admit it, but I caved and did an HPT this morning. BFN! Well, I am only 5dp5dt, so it still is very early, but darn! I did the terrible thing that every woman experiencing infertility has done, I went back and looked at the darn thing about an hour later. Squeezing my eyesight, it looked like a faint line, but I think I am kidding myself, plus it was WAY passed the 2 minute time frame. I have one more test left, and I really don't know what to do. This morning I was just going to throw the damn thing out so it wouldn't taunt me, but now I am wondering if I should keep it for Friday morning. My problem is I don't think it will make it to Friday. I am sooo weak! I guess I should just throw it away; it wasn't an expensive one, just a cheapie off the Internet. I've been a little crampy, and really trying not to put too much into it. My boobs are a little sore, but I think that is from the PIO. I was having lots of horrible heartburn, but that is better. I still have it a little, but nothing like a few days ago. Tomorrow is the 4th of July, and the big swimming party at my parent's house. The RE said no swimming, so it really is going to be hard. I am always a swimmer on the 4th, especially for our annual water volleyball game. I know everyone will be asking me why I'm not swimming. We haven't really told my family about the IVF, just a few that needed to know or my really close family. I am going to have to lie because I just think I am ready to tell everyone. I know they would be supportive, but I don't want to have everyone tell me to "Just Relax" or all the other stupid things family says that pisses me off even though I know they are just trying to be nice. I don't want to hear my family say, "Just adopt, then for sure you will get pregnant." I think I will go with the "ear infection" lie. Told DH and we will be on the same lie. Just need to talk to my parents and brother so we can have a plan! On a related but different subject, I have a friend on one of the message boards that I am on that went through the IVF cycle just about the same time as I did. I am really hoping she gets her BFP, but at the same time I am afraid she will get her BFP and I won't and be left out again. It just seems like I have made so many friends with girls that have been TTC, and they have all gotten PG and went on and left me behind. I don't want to be left behind!!