6 weeks today

I am 6 weeks today. For some reason it seems like a bit of milestone. I don't know. My ultrasound in on Wednesday, and it seems like a million years away! I know it is only 4 days, but after what happened last time, I guess I am just anxious to make sure everything is ok. It was our first ultrasound last time where we found out there was a problem. The baby was measuring more than a week behind, and didn't have a regular heartbeat. I'm not sure I'll be able to look at the ultrasound monitor. I hope the next 4 days go fast. Some good news, I've only had a couple days of really light spotting and nothing for the past 2, so hopefully that scare is done!

Here is how big the baby is at 6 weeks... a Sweet Pea

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Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

Good news!!

After fearing the worst after my brown spotting (which I also had some this morning), I went to my RE to have another beta down. Thank goodness, it had risen to over 2000! I am sooooo relieved! The RE said he wasn't sure why I was spotting, but he was very happy with my levels. So, we are still on for our first ultrasound on Feb 26th. Please oh please let us see a heartbeat!!

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

Brown Spotting

Oh no, not again! I woke up this morning to a lot of brown spotting. (TMI alert) Not enough to get on anything, but quite a bit when I wiped. I am so upset. I called my RE and asked if I should go to the ER. I had lots of bad cramping on Friday and some on my side, so I was a little concerned about an ectopic (in the tube) pregnancy. The RE said that if I wasn't in a lot of pain, that I probably don't have an ectopic, and I don't have much cramping at all. The RE said I can go in Monday (but, I wonder if he meant Tuesday because I wouldn't think they'd be open on President's Day. I'll call tomorrow though). They will check my blood levels, and if they go down, then I will m/c. He will also give me an ultrasound to see if he can see something in the uterus (not the tube). I am just kicking myself for starting to tell people about this pregnancy. I knew I should have waited until our first ultrasound, but once I had good rising beta numbers, I thought this pregnancy would be ok and was excited to share the good news. Stupid me!! I guess I will just take it easy today and just pray hard that the spotting in nothing. With my last pregnancy, I only had a tiny bit of pink spotting while Ben and I were in Las Vegas, and now we know the baby had already died by then. My levels were increasing as of Thursday, so I am hoping this is just some old blood or something. I want to be positive, but at the same time I don't want to kid myself. I'll keep you posted. I don't want to lose another child. It was hard enough losing my last child. If you are a praying person, send one up for my little one. Thanks!

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

Beta #3!

473

YES! It went up again. The RE was good with my numbers, so I don't even have to go in for another beta. My first ultrasound will be Feb 26th. Two weeks of waiting will be torture, but I am just got a good vibe about this pregnancy. Pray for me that we will see a nice strong heartbeat at that ultrasound!

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

Beta #2

149

The nurse said it was a good rise even though it is a little slower rise than I would have liked. Betas should double every 48-72 hours, and this was 54. For my first pregnancy and the one I lost, my betas doubled in less than 48 hours. I guess I will just try to relax since the nurse said it was good. They also tested my progesterone, and that was 15.7, and that was good too. So for now, I am still pregnant and will just pray that this baby sticks. I go back on Thursday for a 3rd draw.

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby!

First Beta results...

59.5

YEA!! Last time my first beta was only 9 and then 2 days later it was only 48! This time I am starting off stronger, so that really helps! I go back on Monday for a second draw. I just pray it rises like it is supposed to!

Yep! BFP confirmed this morning!!!!

OMG!!!

I just got a BFP!!

I can't believe it. I had been having some symptoms, but I thought they were all in my head. Until yesterday, when I went outside to take the dog out and thought I smelled something burning. I had DH come out and he said he couldn't smell a thing. Then, I have been REALLY tired the last couple days. So, I held my pee all evening and took a dollar store test. And then, there it was... line. A faint one, but there. Here is a picture, but I know it is hard to see...

















I'll take a digital tomorrow morning, but holy crap - I'm pregnant again. Now, just pray that this one sticks!!



P.S.
If anyone knows me in real life, please don't tell anyone. I don't plan on calling the dr until I am a week late and I'm not planning on telling anyone until I get some for sure news from the OB that I have a healthy baby in there. I don't think I have a lot of friends or family that read this Blog, but just in case. Please don't say anything! THANKS!!!

The 2ww

I have lost count of how many 2WWs I have gone through, but even with all of those 2wws it still is very hard. This is our first cycle of TTC after our loss. It is hard to have hope right now for me. I want to be positive, but I guess the realist in my knows the odds. They are NOT in our favor. I don't know what I would do with myself if I actually got a BFP this month. I guess I'll find out in about 7-10 days.

Let the OPKs begin

Yep, it is getting to that time in my cycle where I will start using OPKs. You want to know what sucks? I had a CBEFM that I used for ttc our son (tried the CBEFM before seeing the RE). Well, when I got pg in October I figured I didn't need it anymore (we only want 2 kids), so I sold it on eBay. Who knew that I might need to use it again. What a bummer!!! So, I ended up buying some OPKs. I don't like OPKs, that is why I got the CBEFM in the first place. It is a lot easier to read vs lines and which one is darker than the other crap. Plus, when I used the OPKs the first time I was also charting. I can't chart now because my sleeping pattern is all screwed up. I no longer have the joys of sleeping all night. Now that we have our son, sleeping through the night is a rare occurrence. For example, just last night we were up at 2am with a puking toddler. Not fun!! Anyway, since I don't get a constant 7-8 hours, charting my temps would not be accurate. I liked charting along with the OPKs to make sure I didn't miss my ovulation. I guess this time around I will just have to rely on those damn OPKs.

TTC again

Well, things have been going ok. I finally got AF 5 weeks after my D&C. My OB said that we could TTC if my period was "normal" and it was, so I think we will start TTC again. I'm not sure what to feel. My emotions are kinda all over the place. Part of me is happy to get trying again, and the other part of my is scared about getting pg and losing it again. I still am kinda emotional about the m/c, but I guess it depends on the day. I don't really think about the m/c much unless something happens to trigger; like seeing a pregnant woman or having someone ask about it or something. The dr prescribed me some anti-depressants, but they made me so sick that I've decided not to take them. I also started seeing a therapist. I've only seen her once, but have another appointment Friday. I think I am doing better, but it is still up and down.

Bad news to share

Well, unfortunately we are no longer pregnant. I had a miscarriage back in November. At our first ultrasound at 7w4d the baby was only measuring 6w1d and there was just a flicker of a heartbeat. We were hoping for the best that our dates were just off. Since this was a natural cycle I wasn't 100% sure when I ovulated since we were gearing up for IVF with our next cycle. The OB asked me to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound to check for growth. That was a very hard 2 weeks. We wanted to be positive and think that everything was fine and my dates were off, but in the back of my mind I guess I kinda knew things weren't ok. My pregnancy symptoms were not very strong and I hardly had m/s. With my son, I had TERRIBLE m/s from 6 weeks. This was all during the end of November. Ben and I were scheduled for a getaway to Las Vegas the few days before Thanksgiving getting back into town Thanksgiving morning. The OB said to go ahead and go, so we did. However, while we were there I had a couple light spotting issues. It was terrifying since I wasn't even home. I called the OB emergency line from Vegas. She said that if I was miscarrying that there was nothing they could do to stop it anyway and all the walking around we were doing in Vegas was not going to "cause" a miscarriage. I tried to enjoy the rest of the trip, but always had it in the back of my mind, and I am pretty sure Ben did too. Well, we got home in time for Thanksgiving and things were ok, however that weekend I had another little bout of light spotting. There was no way I could wait until the next Thursday for my ultrasound, so Monday morning after the holiday I asked if they could work me in for the ultrasound. Well, being the first day after a long holiday it was PACKED! I left work early because they said they could get me in at 2pm. Ben called off work and we got there and waited until 5pm for the ultrasound! I was pissed, I didn't need to leave work early! Anyway, when I had the ultrasound I knew as soon as I looked at the screen it was over. No heartbeat at all this time - not even a flicker, and there was no growth. It was over. I had what they call "A Missed Miscarriage". I had a D&C Thursday. The D&C wasn't too bad. I think it was harder dealing with the emotional part vs. the physical part. I have been very depressed and suffering from anxiety since the m/c. I am going to the dr today to see if they can get me anything. I guess the good thing about this mess is we found out that we can get pg without treatments. Ben and I will try again on our own for 6 months and then contact the RE again. Maybe an IUI might work for us. I am terrified of getting pg again and m/c again, so I started looking into adoption. Damn it is expensive! I've looked at 2 agencies and one was close to $38,000 and the other was $22,000. For that we can try 2 full cycles of IVF! I know there are cheaper ways to adopt, but we don't want to travel and want an infant. So, adoption is on the back burner until we talk to the RE about maybe some IUI or another IVF this coming summer. I am very heartbroken about losing the baby. I have a lot of on-line friends that it has happened to and friends IRL too, but I NEVER in a million years think it would happen to me. It is so surreal. Well, I guess we get back on the TTC journey. And here I thought we had come to the end. Life sure does keep you on your toes!

No more IVF

A Natural BFP for us!!!!!!














Here is the story...

On Monday Oct 27, I had talked to the RE's nurse about our upcoming IVF. (We decided to go ahead and do the IVF in Dec anyway). We talked about how many days I would need to take off, when the egg retrieval and transfer might be, and when I would need to go in for appointments. I told her that I was expecting my period any day now and she told me that as soon as I started to give her a call to start the birth control. Well, after getting the tentative schedule I realized that I would be having my pregnancy test right after Christmas. I have always tested early with a home pregnancy test and ended up with heart ache. So, I decided that for this IVF I was NOT going to test early and wait until my blood test. I knew I had one digital hpt left from our failed cycle in August. I didn't want it at home taunting me, so I was going to get rid of it. So, Tuesday morning I found it and was just going to throw it away. Being the nerd I am, I could just throw it away without using it. I figured my period was due any day, so I'd go ahead and use it. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw the word "Pregnant"! I couldn't believe my eyes!!! Did it really say pregnant? Was I imagining it? I woke up Benjamin (he didn't even know I was testing) and nearly scared him half to death. I told him I was pregnant, and his first response, "No you're not." I responded, "Yes I am, look!" and showed him the test. He could only get out, "Woa!" I called the RE and they had me go in for a beta. My result was positive, but the level was really low: 9.83. So, I must have been about only 10DPO or so, but I can't be for sure since I wasn't keeping track. I go in for another beta on Friday and am hoping my levels rise. I have continues taking HPTs and all have been + still, so I am hoping for the best. I am going to enjoy this miracle for as long as I can and am trying really hard not to worry.

YEA!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IVF back on hold

I know we keep going back and forth, but I think we are going to hold off on our IVF until May. The issues of my levels still exist, but we will just hope and pray that my levels stay ok for the next 7 months. It just seemed like we were being rushed into this IVF, and we really aren't ready. I was sick this past week and had to take 3 days of work off. That is huge when I only have 11 days off. Between all the half days I need to take for monitoring appointments and how many days I may need to take for the retrieval and transfer (depending on what day of the week it all happens) then I will be out of days. Hopefully, it will work and I will get pg, but then I will have no days left and if there is a day where I am sick or the baby is sick, then it will cost us about $300 and we need every single penny we make in order to do IVF at all and pay the payments. Another issue that makes us wait is my disability insurance was canceled. Because I was off work for the month of September, then it canceled my policy. I can get another policy that starts in Jan, but if I get pg before then, then pregnancy is a preexisting condition and not covered. My disability insurance saved us when I went into preterm labor with William and ended up being on bedrest. I left work about 2 months earlier than I had planned. With IVF, multiples are a real possiblity, and if I were to get pg with twins, then the chances of me having to go on bedrest would be high. I just can't take that chance. I am relieved and bummed at the same time. One one hand, I am glad to have some more time, to get moved into the house and settled, have the holidays without me being hopped up on hormones, not have to worry about how many days off or having to take off work for appointments and ER and ET, and maybe even try to lose a few pounds I have gained before we cycle again. However, waiting is a big gamble that my levels are still ok. Also, I'm not a patient person and waiting until May seems like FOREVER!!!!! I hope this was a good choice and really, I may change my mind again. However, it has to be decided by the time I start my next AF which is any day now. This is such a hard decision!

It's been a while

It has been a while since I have posted on this blog. Since my BFN from our FET we've just been in a holding pattern. Well, my RE wanted me to repeat my cycle day 3 hormone levels, so I had them tested about 2 weeks ago. When the RE called with my results I missed the phone call! Shoot! He called on my cell phone on a Friday, and when I checked my messages after school the clinic was already closed. So, I had to wait the entire weekend not knowing my results. It was really hard to wait. If my levels were off, then we knew our IVF was closed and our only option would be to adopt. Well, finally on Monday I got the call. GREAT NEWS! My levels are good, so we can go ahead and do another try of IVF. I guess, not another try, our last try. After this try we are done - no more money and I don't want to go through another IVF after this next one. Anyway, I asked the doctor when I needed to contact them if we wanted to do our cycle in the summer. The RE didn't really think we should wait. At my age (34, 35 in Jan) a woman's hormone levels can drop fast and my levels are only good for 6 months. He also said that if we wait, my levels might still be fine. It is hard to tell. So DH and I talked about it a lot, and have decided to GO FOR IT!!!! So, once I get my next period I will start my cycle! I will probably be on birth control for my next cycle and then I'll really get into the stimulation phase. Benjamin and I are going to Las Vegas the week of Thanksgiving, but we should still be ok. I'll probably need to take the Lupron with us on our trip, but I won't start the Follistim until after we get back. The bad part about starting this IVF cycle so soon is because of work. Now that I am back to working full-time it means a lot of days off. Every appointment means a half day off because my RE is an hour and a half away (one way). I talked to my principal and told him I'd need a lot of days off and probably a whole week when it comes to the retrieval and the transfer. He said to do what I need to do. I LOVE my new principal. He is the greatest. So, I guess we are really doing this. It just HAS to work this time!

Had my follow up appointment yesterday

It actually wasn't too bad. I didn't even cry which I thought for sure I would. I only teared up when the doctor asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm ok, but disappointed" and that is when I teared up. We talked about why it didn't work, and he said it was probably due to embryo quality. When the embryos were frozen, they were 6 day blasts when most embryos only take 5 days to get to blast. So, they were a little behind to begin with, plus when they thawed neither were beginning to expand. When we did our first transfer, of the 2 we transferred, 1 was a regular blast and 1 was an expanding blast. We got pg with one, so I guess in order for me to get pg we must need to transfer an expanding blast. We asked about maybe doing IUI instead, and the doctor said we could, but we would probably be wasting time and money. He thinks that the small amount of endo I have is somehow interfering with the sperm meeting the egg and he thinks it really wouldn't make a difference with the IUI. He thinks that the eggs and sperm need to be put together - like in IVF. Basically, if we want to have another child, then we need to do a fresh IVF. The good news is since this will be our second IVF cycle, we get a 25% discount. That is huge when we are talking thousands of dollars. It would be around $12,000, but again with no guarantee. I have to get a blood test to check my cycle day 3 hormone levels before we proceed. We did them back in 05' and everything was normal, but since it was so long ago he wants to repeat it. If the levels come back abnormal, then no IVF and all and we are finished. The doctor said it would be hard to achieve a pregnancy with abnormal numbers. If things are ok, we are fine to proceed. If we decide to do another IVF, it will probably be next year. We are planning on going to Las Vegas in November, and if we start a cycle with my next AF, it wouldn't be complete but the time we leave, and I don't think the doctor will start a cycle in December. It is a tough decision. It is so expensive, it is so hard on my body and emotions, I have to have surgery, and in the end it might not even work. Then we are $12,000 more in debt with nothing but heartache to show for it. This last BFN has really done a job on me. I have been so depressed. I knew it would be hard if we got a negative, but I had no clue it would affect me this much. It is almost like I am going through some sort of mourning process. I'm not sure I could get over another BFN if we do a fresh. I guess we have some time to decide, but I've been hashing though all of this in my mind, non-stop since our BFN. It's like I can't get over it.

Ok, now what?

So, FET was negative, so now what do we do? Here is a little background: In order for me to be a Stay at Home Mom, we needed to sell our house. So, we did sell and are currently living with my parents. I was hoping to do a little substitute teaching in order to bring in a few dollars, but also have some flexibility to work only when I wanted to or needed to. Well, the school district I work for told me I am not allowed to sub while on parental leave. Crap! Now, what do I do about the job? I had a phone interview Friday for a part-time teller position, but after hearing how a teller's job not only is transactions but sales, I'm not sure I want to do that. (I hate selling things, plus I suck at it!). If we want to get a house, I have to bring in something - like $500-$1000 a month. So, here we are, living at my parents, have just wasted $3000 on nothing, and now I have NO idea what to do. Even though I am really enjoying being a stay at home mom, I am really missing our house and am thinking it was the wrong thing to do. What to do?

#1. Start looking for cheap houses we can afford on DH's salary alone (crummy little house)?
#2. Stay with my parents for a year, and I go back to work next year and we build a house like our last house (which was big, lots of room, and beautiful)?

And with both options, where does a second child fit in the mix. On TTC $ terms, if we do another fresh IVF it would be about $20,000, but there is no guarantee it would work. We could try a shared risk IVF (long story short - it is like $35,000 but covers 3 cycles and if you don't get pg you get 70% of your money back). We could try adoption, but we have no home for a home study, and it is still about $20,000, plus who knows how long it would take and later in life issues with adoption. If we do IVF or adopt, then we will need a loan, and that is scary when we have 2 car loans, my student loans, and possibly want to qualify for a mortgage in the near future. Then, if we go with option #2 with IVF and it works, then I can't be a SAHM and we'd need daycare for 2 kids.

Ugh, my mind is spinning. Why can't life be easy?

Beta today

Confirmed: Negative. The number was less than 1, so neither embryo implanted at all. We will have an appointment next week to discuss what our next step is, which I don't even know what I want to do. I'm sad, but I guess I've kinda been dealing with the BFN for the last couple days. At least I can stop all my meds and no more shots so my butt can heal.

8dp6dt

Another BFN

Guess I should get it through my head. I'm a failure! I just killed off 2 perfectly good children.

7dp6dt

BFN


SHIT!