Wordless Wednesday: Lupron injections - yuck!

1 month to go!

WOW! Only one more month until transfer. 1 month to be exact!! I am getting excited.

BCP + PNV

Isn't it weird? I am taking the birth control pill along with my prenatal vitamin. I've been taking PNVs since 2004. I took them all the while we were TTC our first child, kept taking them after the baby was born just in case we were to get PG on our own, and now continue to take them through this FET cycle. I guess it is just a bit of irony.

Ugh! Gaining weight

That is the part of an IVF cycle that I hate - or any fertility cycle for me. I tend to gain weight. The bad part is I have already gained some weight since school got out for the summer, and now that I am home all the time it makes food a lot easier to snack on that when I am at work. I am already overweight and according to the Wii Fit, I am Obese! Ugh. And since starting the BCP and the Lupron I have gained 2 pounds in about 3 days. I'd love to blame it on the medications, but I don't think I can since I have been eating junk food. I really need to be careful of what I eat. Right now I weight 1 pound more that I did on my first appointment with my OB when I was pregnant with William. I have gained almost 10 pounds from where I was about 3 months ago. I am really feeling low about it. That's what I get for weighing this morning!

Almost let it slip today

We are selling our house so I can be a SAHM with our son next year (I'm not going back to my teaching position next school year). We can't afford our current home on one income, so we have to sell. Well, today we had a showing for our house, so I packed up the baby and went over my parents' house for a little while. We had a nice visit, and the baby LOVES seeing his grandma and grandpa. As we were talking, the topic of babies came up. I almost let it slip about our cycle. Thank goodness I caught myself. It is so hard for me to keep a secret. Some people out there are very closed, but I'm not that kind of person. There are very few things I don't tell people about, so I am finding it very hard to keep my big mouth shut!

Oh, and tonight's shot wasn't as bad. DH got back today from his trip and was there for me. I love him!!!!

P.S.
No offer on the house yet! Boo! We are having an open house Sunday. Maybe that will be our lucky day!

First injection = done!

That was a hard one. The first one! DH wasn't even there for moral support. He is out of town until tomorrow. I got out the medication, the alcohol wips, the syringe, and the red box you put the used needles. All of it, sitting on my kitchen counter, waiting to be broken in. I sat down at the counter, cracked open the Lupron, wiped the top with the alcohol, got the syringe, filled it with the medication, and wiped my skin where I was going to give the injections. Then, I sat there. And sat there, with the needle pointing toward my skin. I just couldn't do it. Then, I started to cry. I hadn't even poked myself yet! Why is it so hard to give myself a shot? It hardly hurts at all! I guess it is because this shot brought back lots on memories of previous shots from our first IVF. There is just so much that rides on an IVF cycle. Hopes, dreams, and the possibility of having those hopes and dreams crushed. Since this is all for baby number 2, I guess I feel selfish. I got my miracle. I got my wonderful little William. On the first try!!! There are so many women that do cycle after cycle of IVF to no avail - spending thousands upon thousands of dollars not getting anything to show for it other than debt!! Then there are those that spend the money on IVF, get pregnant, only to miscarry. The whole process is just so utterly and completely exhausting. Here I am, with the miracle of my son, temping fate again, even kinda temping God trying to get a 2nd miracle. How can I be so selfish? I just hope and pray that we will get our second little miracle. I guess I will try to hold my breath until August. Can I hold on that long?

What have I gotten myself into????

I got my meds delivered today. I feel exactly like I did for my first IVF when I got my meds - totally and utterly freaked out!!

$158 WooHoo!!!

We ordered all our meds for this cycle. The pharmacy called me to get the address where to send it. Then, the lady asked me if insurance would be paying for any of it. Ha! Ya right! Well, I told her to go ahead and see if they would cover anything, fully expecting that the insurance would cover nothing. Well, low and behold, the insurance did cover - a lot of it even!! Meds that would have cost us about $900 ended up only costing $158. SCORE!!! That is so wonderful! The reason that the insurance covered some of the meds is because some of what I will be taking is not considered a "fertility" drug. At last, some good news!!

What is up with my emotions?

My goodness! I am an emotional mess lately. I'd like to blame it on the BCP, but I don't know if I can blame it on everything I have been feeling. I have been on the verge of tears for days. My DH and I went to see Wall.E on Thursday, and I was getting teary eyed over that stupid movie! Yesterday should have been a very nice 4th of July with a swimming party at my folks. However, I have been having a hard time dealing with food lately (found out I have a ton on food allergies and it has been a challenge to me to find foods I can eat that don't make me sick) Because my emotions are crazy, I was again on the verge of tears because I couldn't eat hardly anything because it was all Mexican food (one of my favorites) but I am allergic to chilies which is in almost every mexican dish! Ugh! I feel a little bi-polar. I am happy one minute, can get pissy the next, and then cry. I am trying to take DH's advice and take one day at a time, but I still have been thinking ahead to the shots, transfer, 2ww, etc. I guess I am just so unsure about the outcome that it has me unsure about everything in my life.

On a side note - It was two years ago to the day that I got my BFP from our first IVF cycle. I can remember it vividly. It was one of the best days in my life!

I hate to lie!

I really do hate it. This time, we have decided not to tell anyone that we are cycling, which = LIE after LIE after LIE. For our first IVF, we pretty much told everyone. However, this time I wanted to keep it a secret. Why? Because I want to surprise everyone when I get a BFP - especially my Mom. With the first IVF process, it was hard, emotional, scary, etc and I really needed the support of my DH and my family (especially my Mom). This time, I know more what to expect, and I still have DH to go through it with me. When we get our BFP, I want my Mom and my family to be blown out of the water with the good news. My Mom and I are very close. I'd say we are pretty much best friends. I talk to her everyday and sometimes multiple times in a day. It is really hard for me to lie to her. The other day she called me on my cell and asked if DH and I could go over her house and help her with her swimming pool. Well, when she called I was 40 miles out of town coming home from my RE appointment, and DH was home with the baby. I told her all 3 of us were out shopping. LIE!!! I have an ultrasound appointment on the 23rd, and I'll have to lie again. I need her to babysit the baby because DH can't get off that day and I can't take the baby with me to the ultrasound. LIE again! The day of the transfer = ANOTHER LIE! This time I will see if my Mom and Dad will take the baby overnight so DH and I can have a "weekend getaway". Of course, I just need to be on bedrest after the transfer and don't want to have to deal with a toddler that probably wouldn't understand why Mommy has to stay in bed and ignore him. I tell you, I HATE lying! Plus, I suck at it! #1. I feel terribly guilty for doing it - even though my intentions are good. #2. Everyone can usually tell when I lie! I always wonder if they can see right through my lies. I can't tell you how many times I've almost broken down and told my Mom, but I want to make this special for her. She is a wonderful woman, always helps me no matter what, and has had a pretty crappy year at work. Her school she works at (she is a school counselor) was changed into a magnet school breaking up a very close staff. She was placed in a different school and some of her closest coworkers were placed in different schools. I can't believe the school district did such a crappy thing to all the teachers there. So, I really want her to start her school year at her new school with wonderful news. I hope she (and the rest of the family) will forgive me for all the lies!

My schedule (until 7/23)

Here is my schedule so far...

7/2 - 7/9 BCP only
7/10 - 7/16 BCP + 10 units Lupron (injection)
7/17 - 7/23 10 units Lupron (injection) only

7/23 Go back to the RE for a baseline ultrasound

Once I stop the BCP, I should get another period even though I will still be on the Lupron. The Lupron shot uses a tiny little needle. I give the injections in the abdomen; a little lower than the bellybutton. They hardly hurt. I can give the injections at any time during the day - just making sure to give it about the same time - so I will probably give it to myself after dinner - like around 8pm.

When I go in on the 23rd for my ultrasound, the nurse will give me the rest of the schedule. Sometime after the 23rd I will add baby aspirin, antibiotics, estrogen patches and PIO injections.

All of my meds are ordered, and nothing needs to be refrigerated. So, now I am just taking the bcp and waiting for next Thursday, when I start my Lupron injections.

Mock transfer and SonoHSG today

Well, it wasn't too bad. The last time I did it, it was very painful and pretty much the worst part of the whole IVF process. Anyway, this time it was a breeze! Here are the details...

I was the first appointment of the afternoon. I didn't even have to wait 2 minutes before the nurse took me back. She asked me what we were going to do (mock and SonoHSG) just to make sure I knew what was going on. She took me to the room and explained what they were going to do. She showed me all the stuff they were going to use and then asked if I had questions. She also had me take a antibiotic since they actually go into the body, just in case of an infection. So, she tells me to undress from the bottom down, and then she and the RE would come back. I get undressed, the the RE had me assume the position in the stirrups. He showed me again the catheter that they were going to insert through the cervix. It was about the width of a toothpick (but of course, not sharp in the least! hehehe). It was connected to a syringe filled with water. It had black little marks to show how far it went in. He said it was the same instrument they will use in the actual transfer. He put it in, no problem, no pain, and took the measurements. Then, he put another instrument in, similar to the first only not attached to a syringe, that was a little bit less flexible. With that one, he got another measurement. After that, he took out the less flexible one, put back the one with the syringe and that is what he used for the SonoHSG. He took out the speculum, and inserted the vaginal ultrasound wand. Then he squirted in the water and took pictures. He liked what he saw, but from my point of view I couldn't tell what he was looking at at all!! It looked like a bunch of static, but obviously he knew what he was looking at. He took everything out, and said all was well. The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes at most. I kinda gushed out water when I stood up, but that was to be expected. After I got dressed and everything, I met with the embryologist to talk about my embyos, schedule, and meds. I only have the first half of my schedule, but it looks like we are going to be having the actual transfer on August 15th. Since the baby is getting a little fussy while I type on the computer, I will try to add another post later with a rundown of my time line in detail. It feels good to cross off those procedures!

Yasmin is so much better

Oh my goodness! The Yasmin is sooooo much better. I decided to start taking my BCP in the morning, so I took my first Yasmin pill today at breakfast, and I have been feeling fine! Thank goodness.

Nothing much going on. I have 3 more days until my procedures. I am pretty nervous about them; 1. They hurt last time. and 2. That they might find something wrong. I guess it is better to know. The one thing I am looking forward to my appointment is to find out my schedule. Since I am a teacher, I am a planner. In fact, I have to be as a teacher. I have to plan each week, each month, and even the year. My principal is a stickler about plans. So, this not knowing my schedule has been bothering me. I will find out how long I take the Yasmin, when I start the Lupron injections and of course how much, find out if I get another period before the transfer, when I start the estrogen patches, when so do the PIO injections, and the all important transfer. The transfer day is hard to pinpoint until they check my lining and think it is thick enough. I'd like to at least have a ballpark idea when the transfer will be since I will be on bedrest for 2 days and DH will have to take toddler duty. I don't think I will be allowed to even pick up the baby. Oh, won't that be fun! I'll ask for sure at my appointment Tuesday whether or not I have a lifting restriction. Now, I wait.

One day at a time

I have been going quite crazy the last couple days. Since I am not working, that gives me pretty much all-day everyday to think about our FET. It seems like I go from thinking about having another child and assuming this will work to thinking I am wasting time and money since it won't work. I told my DH all my concerns the other night and his advice was, "Take one day at a time." He is soooo right! I know why I married him! :-) I sure will try to take one day at a time and not think too much ahead.

Femcon Fe SUCKS!

I have only been on this birth control pill for 2 days, and I HATE it! I've been taking it right before bed and have woken up both nights very nauseous. I called the RE to see if he could put me back on Yasmin. That was what I was on my first IVF and I didn't have much problem with it. I really hope I can be on something else because this stuff is terrible. I can handle moodiness, weight gain, etc, but I cannot deal with feeling sick to my stomach all the time. I can deal with that if I am pg, but not trying to get pg! No thank you!!

UPDATE: The nurse just called and said they called in a Rx for Yasmin! YEA!!!!! I hope this makes me feel better!!

The emotional roller coaster begins

I guess this is more real to me now more than ever. I went to the store to pick up my bcp, and they hadn't gotten it in yet. Ok, so yes, it was inconvenient for them not to have it when they said they would, but it is my own fault for not calling them first. So, I go home and figure I will come back later, and make sure to call! While I am home and waiting, I do a Google search about this BCP. It is called Femcon, and I had never heard of it. BCP and I don't get along well, so I figure I would get some info since I get very nervous about trying something new. I should have NEVER done that. I found a whole bunch of bad reviews about the stuff, which started to scare me. So, I called the RE's office and talked to the nurse. I asked her if there was something else I could take because the pharmacy was having trouble getting the Femcon (had to order it from Denver) and it was a $56 co-pay. The nurse, in her kinda pissed off tone, told me that they want me to take the Femcon and that's that. I don't know if it was the nurse not being totally friendly or what, but after that phone call, I started to cry. Why? A lot of things. I think the whole cycle just kinda hit me! First, I am scared to take this new pill that everyone says is awful, is expensive, and I've never taken before. Second, this brings back lots of memories of our TTC struggles of the past. It was extremely hard on me, and starting back with ART (Assisted Reproductive Technologies) just brings back the pain. Thirdly, I am afraid of the unknown. The uncertainty - Will I get sick from these damn pills? Will my mock transfer and SonoHSG be as bad as last time? Will the Lupron shots give me headaches again? Will the patches I have to wear have side effects? Will my embryos thaw? Will I get pregnant at all? Will I get pregnant with twins (which scares the shit out of me!)? Will this all be a waste of time, energy, and money? Will this be the best thing I've ever done? This roller coaster ride is not a fun one, I can tell you that!

Back on the IVF wagon again.

Wow, it has been almost 2 years since I have posted on this Blog. However, DH and I find ourselves back on the TTC road. Now that our little one is 15 months old, we are ready to try for baby #2. We actually have been trying for over a year on our own. After the baby was born, we decided not to try any contraception since we figured we wouldn't get pg and if we did, then we would be happy it was for free!! Well, it never did happen naturally for us, so we are going back to the RE and trying a frozen embryo transfer (FET). From our IVF back in 06' that produced our son, we have 2 left over embryos (6 day Blasts) that are frozen. It looks like our transfer will be in August sometime. So far, here is my protocol....

6/23/08 - Cycle Day 1
6/25/08 - Start BCP
7/1/90 - Mock transfer and SonoHSG

That is all I know for now. When I go in for my Mock transfer and HSG, they will give me more instructions. I know I will be doing estrogen patches, Lupron shots, and PIO shots, but I don't know when I start them, how much to do, or how long I will do them. From what the RE said at our consultation back in early June, the FET sounds a lot easier than the fresh IVF, but it is still considered IVF none-the-less. It is going to be a fun ride, especially now that I have a toddler
too!

UPDATE: I just got a call from the pharmacy for my BCP. It is a special "newer" BCP and my part to pay is $56! DAMN! I got a $35 coupon from the internet, but damn!!! Oh how I wish this would just be covered by insurance!

It's official! I am PREGNANT!!!

I can't believe I am writing this. After getting a couple positive home pregnancy tests yesterday and this morning, I went a day early to get my blood test. It came back positive!

8dp5dt=86.5

The nurse said that was a pretty high number considering I went in a day early. I will go back on Monday for a repeat beta test to make sure my levels are rising, and I think my first ultrasound will be June 24! I have started a new blog, so I think this might be my last entry for this blog. My IVF journey was a crazy time and I want to keep this out there for others who may be going through the same thing. My new baby blog is...

http://reedbaby.blogspot.com/

I'm the luckiest woman alive!

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I just got a BFP this morning!!!!! Well, like I said, that last HPT didn't make it to Friday! The only problem is I looked at it past the 5 minute window. However, I still had the one from Monday in the trash (ok, I know I'm gross!!!), but compared to the one from Monday, there is definitely a line! I can't believe it. I didn't tell DH I was going to test. When I looked again and saw the line, I went to get DH and told him, "Honey, I think there is something you should see." I showed it to him, he saw the line too, and then I started to cry. I still don't know what to think. It is so hard to believe after 18 cycles of nothing. I am going out today to buy some more HPTs, but DH says I should just wait until my beta on Friday. I am still a little worried about a chemical PG or a miscarriage, but I can't worry about that. I have to think that at least I can get PG!!! It is dream. Now I can look at baby stuff and not feel guilty!

___________________________________

Update: BFP on digital too! I called the RE's office and moved my beta to tomorrow morning! Here is a pic of my bfp!!

Bad, Bad Me!!!!

Ok, I caved! I don't even want to admit it, but I caved and did an HPT this morning. BFN! Well, I am only 5dp5dt, so it still is very early, but darn! I did the terrible thing that every woman experiencing infertility has done, I went back and looked at the darn thing about an hour later. Squeezing my eyesight, it looked like a faint line, but I think I am kidding myself, plus it was WAY passed the 2 minute time frame. I have one more test left, and I really don't know what to do. This morning I was just going to throw the damn thing out so it wouldn't taunt me, but now I am wondering if I should keep it for Friday morning. My problem is I don't think it will make it to Friday. I am sooo weak! I guess I should just throw it away; it wasn't an expensive one, just a cheapie off the Internet. I've been a little crampy, and really trying not to put too much into it. My boobs are a little sore, but I think that is from the PIO. I was having lots of horrible heartburn, but that is better. I still have it a little, but nothing like a few days ago. Tomorrow is the 4th of July, and the big swimming party at my parent's house. The RE said no swimming, so it really is going to be hard. I am always a swimmer on the 4th, especially for our annual water volleyball game. I know everyone will be asking me why I'm not swimming. We haven't really told my family about the IVF, just a few that needed to know or my really close family. I am going to have to lie because I just think I am ready to tell everyone. I know they would be supportive, but I don't want to have everyone tell me to "Just Relax" or all the other stupid things family says that pisses me off even though I know they are just trying to be nice. I don't want to hear my family say, "Just adopt, then for sure you will get pregnant." I think I will go with the "ear infection" lie. Told DH and we will be on the same lie. Just need to talk to my parents and brother so we can have a plan! On a related but different subject, I have a friend on one of the message boards that I am on that went through the IVF cycle just about the same time as I did. I am really hoping she gets her BFP, but at the same time I am afraid she will get her BFP and I won't and be left out again. It just seems like I have made so many friends with girls that have been TTC, and they have all gotten PG and went on and left me behind. I don't want to be left behind!!